no one left

Stayed home from dialysis today for no reason other than I didn't feel like leaving the bed.

I got up an hour early and just wanted to lay here.  The zoloft is supposed to help with that. 

John called me today just to bitch about his girlfriend - blah, blah, blah. I can't even take pleasure in his situation.  I want to see the new godzilla movie but no one to go with. dewayne is an ass an eric barely comes over to get his dick sucked.  That's it, no more friends.  Funny I get to a place where I want to go out in public again and there's no one left.

Second Weigh in - two weeks

177.2 kg

total loss 16.31 lbs

The body found in a suitcase by my house was that of my ex step father's cousin.  He'd been missing since March.  My mother took it pretty hard becase he was close to her best friend Sue.  Not really sure I have anything more to say about that.

As my stomach shrinks, I'm noticing crepe skin. ugh...

Eric sent me a shirtless pic today, and....I think I'm losing interest.

two from the past

Was talking with DeWayne yesterday and lamenting over the death of role playing when he told two friends were moving back to Indy. April & James joined my Kingmaker game most of the way through and were really good players.  Its rare to find people that want to still hang around me with all the bullshit I put out, but the did.  Now they're coming back.

So I went on facebook (gag) to reconnect and talked briefly about their return.  Then on a whim, I messaged a friend from highschool - she was online.  She lives here in Indy and not seen her since oh, 1993 I think.  We've both grown up alot - she was fun.  She didn't know Raymond had past, so I filled her in on all the info I knew on mutual people from our past.

Everything was going brightly until I remembered one thing: Eric and I are sleeping together. This is complicated because I met him through April/James' friend Drew.  They only knoe Eric as straight which is kinda funny because he says he still is but just hedonistic.  Whatever girl, you work in theater.

So I brought the subject up and poor baby thought I was concerned about whether to include Drew iif gaming is an option.  I wandered how he'd react when asked and was disappointed when he said not to say anything. Iunderstand his feelings but it's messing with that whole "I'm a dirty secret" insecurity. 

Time to bite the bullet; I knew\ what I was getting into. 

Stop counting

I've decided to stop counting days since the surgery.  Maybe it's just laziness or that iit sunk in this is forever.  The reality of it isn't that poetic; I'm constipated, can't each more than a few bites of food and when I do, I feel like I'm going to burst.

I've already noticed a difference in my body - mostly thighs feel less ...malleable.

I've been really introspective lately.  I had a friend abandon me right after the amputation, well he was more than a friend; he was my hero slash crush.  We would talk everyday and I valued his opinion even if disagreeing.  Primarily we were gaming buds as that was how we met.

I  was abrasive and pushy, he was flirtatious and aloof - bad bromance recipe.  When he decided he'd rather play the married daddy role again, we drifted.  He brought a bunch of miniatures for D&D over because he'd stopped playing. At the time, it was my the only social event in my life, and it really hurt because I was losing the silly dream of his being mine, my gaming group (others stopped talking to me) and someone to drink with.

When I was trying to make him understand how I was feeling, he made an off comment about how the bouncing DirecTv logo never reached the corner.  Was it meant to lighten the mood?  It just reinforced he didn't care. I stopped trying then.

Flash forward a few years and he's hinting he wants the mini's back.  I'm not using them; they're mixed in with mine and some part of me wants to punish him.  When he left, along with that bitch Katie and eric, he participated in killing one of the few things I loved in my life. 

I think that I will always want/miss him, but can I find it in my heart to forgive,...and can he as well?

First Weigh In

Saturday May 18th, weight 178.8 kg

I was in a pretty good mood today.  It was very warm (85f) and I got to sit in the sun a bit while the dogs played. I have no physical appetite but mentally... I've ha 11oz of protein shake, 1/4 cream of chicken soup and 6oz of strawberry yogurt.

Thinking of the things I might do once I recover more.  I'd like to join a local gaming group and start rebuilding my circle of friends.  Time to let all the hate and negativity go.

When I was in the hospital, before surgery, Father Mike came in and said a prayer with me.  Normally I'd be all pissy about that but instead, I found it comforting.

I miss Randy, Katie and Al...those were the best gaming days I've had.  I don't miss the boyfriend/spouse drama though.  Wish I could have friends that don't have to answer to anyone; could do something without having to check with someone. 

Day +2 Friday

Wow, getting full after three bites of soup is surreal. 

Eating is both quick and frustrating. I have to super chew everything or I get cramps - and that weird shoulder pain the nurses said is common.  Funny how you can feel pain somewhere other than the the cause of it.

My sugars are pretty stable as my liver starts to use stored fat as energy.  I am allowing myself to daydream about being thinner.  One of my life dreams could be coming true.

Day +1

Sitting here at St Francis.  Surgery was successful with no complications,...knock on Formica.  I'm kind of sore but not needing anything but tylenol right now.

Ewa gave me a hard time yesterday as he wouldn't come into the house and my ride was on it's way.  it was difficult but I had to leave him outside and rely on john to let him in.  I know he gets static from him insignificant other whenever I contact him, but that's his problem.

After the surgery, I was high as hell and having chaotic thoughts.  I even flirted with the nurse attending.  omg, some of things I say. It's no wonder I don't have friends anymore.

As for that, Eric is in Florida and DeWayne is house bound due to car issues.  When discharged, my mother and uncle will be picking me up. 

Glad I brought my laptop because the tv here sucks; they only have the basic DirecTv channels 

Been playing around with this free service called Pluto.tv and although they have commercials, the shows aren't edited for content.  Verified that with the Terminator and there was Arnold's big ole dick flopping around.

I see that someone has been reading these blogs, wonder who it is.

Day - 0

7 hours and it's a go.

Nervous

Holding babies tight.

Day - 2

Mother's Day

Bit  the bullet and called my mother.  I wonder if she knows I feel nothing for her.  You can't be distant most of my life and expect love, especially when she abandoned me while raising the daughter of her husband instead.

Anyway, more hurdles for the surgery. DeWayne's brakes went out so there goes my initial transportation plan.  Backup #1 use IndyGo for both trips...thier computers are down.  Emailed John and no reply. Looks like I'll be driving myself to and from surgery; waited eight months for this - relying on others gets you no where.

Date with Eric turned out well although I didn't have a libido at all.  He always goes twice and was introduced to something he's never had before.  Says he's a big fan now :)

I like Eric, a lot, but I know someone I'd rather have more.

Day - 6

Got my post surgery protein shakes today.  Just waiting on the jello sample pack and I'll be set for May.  I just can't bring myself to drink chicken/beef broth by itself.  IOt's like drinking the hot dog water.

Day started off as shit:  Missed dialysis due to bathroom visits and rain.  Then Ewa refused to come inside which worried me because Amazon was delivering a new mouse pad today.  He eventually came in and Aamazon did deliver, just to my back porch where I can't reach.

Groceries supposed to have been hereby 7, but didn't until 8. Apparently the driver just blew me off and got fired.  The replacement driver looked just like Katie. Just another wannabe chubby goth girl playning at being interesting.

The day is dwindling down and I'm finally feeling better.

Eric date tomorrow and he's getting a surprise :)

Sex dream about Randy again, damn him...

day - 7

One week to go.  Weight started to creep back up and retaining water. 

I had a little extra money this month and ordered some new shoes and a wireless mouse.  Two ways to look at it: either the universe knows when I have extra money and throws shit at me, or it allows for the problems by assuring there is always a way.

Trying to be hopeful.

Meds are about to be re-arranged again due to new cardiologist, but I do have the release.  Surgery May 15th at 8:55am. 

Ewa is still being a butthead with not coming when I call him, so I just leave him outside.  He eventually comes in.  I read that you shouldn't scold a dog when he doesn't come because it's considered a "poisoned cue", but oh how I want to spank that ass.   The other dogs are really good but I'm noticing age in Sophie.  Seems like yesterday I went through the heartache of losing Eukas and Shadow.

Maybe seeing Eric this Saturday - Boy is going to be drained when I'm done.