typically me

Sometimes, usually late at night, I let my defenses down and allow myself to feel things.

Laying here with only the light of my laptop, fan blowing on me and listening to Sophie snore.  In moments like these, I can admit to just how lonely I am.  Eric's 'experimentation' with me whetted my appetite for intimacy.  In the last year, I've improved both my house, outlook and body,...but still not much has changed.

Losing so much weight and getting meds under control helped my self image and I thought, maybe now someone would find me attractive.  I've tried beuing less of a dickhead, tried applying a filter to my comments but I'm getting discouraged.  Eric hasn't seen me since March and the excuses are never ending.  I just stopped asking and now its weeks between contact - that being a few snarky comments.

I had this super cute guy deliver groceries to me today and it moved me to the point I posted an ad on craigslist under missed connections.  Got the typical weirdos replying but my stomach flipped when I got a possible real response.  Turned out it was some random guy hoping I was a desperate enough "ladie" to forgo the thought he replied to an ad not for him.

John's been staying with me for over a month now and I'm feeling a bit used.  He eats, showers and has clutter everywhere, but the movie buddy an occasional help with things make it tolerable.  The arguments between him and pyscho girlfriend have decreased a bit but they still put me on edge.  John's here all through the week but vacates on the weekends.

So thankful for my sunday game as it gives me something to do.  I just hope I don't fuck it up by saying/doing something typically me and offending them.

I wish someone new would come into my life, and show me it's worth still living.

Addon - got reply from craigslist.  "Your nasty. I was just doing my job"  Feeling down, but then I thought ' no real loss; he doesn't know the difference between your and you're'