Sunday, July 31, 2005

Couldn't sleep, so I went down walking
Thinking about you and hearing us talking
And all the things I should have said,
Echo now inside of my head

It's just ain't fair, the state we call loving
When one's still there
The other feels nothing

I would have done anything for you
I still love you, baby I adore you
All the day I keep from falling apart
But at night when the sky gets dark

I feel something falling from the sky
I'm so sad I made the angels cry

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
I reach for you
I reach in vain

Tears from the moon
Tears from the moon

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
But tears from the moon
Can't wash away the pain

Stop! Stop haunting me!
It should be easy
As easy as when you stopped wanting me

Tears from the moon

Monday, July 25, 2005


I miss him. So very, very much. Everywhere I look I see him. Memories of us. I'm afraid that I won't be able to pull out of this. I've been hiding my feelings from friends and family.

He's my first thought of the morning; my daydream in the afternoon and my last thought before sleep. I really do wish him happiness but I keep returning to why not me? Why am I never to have someone look upon me with such tenderness?

Some guys tell me they'd die to be with me but what does that really mean? Longing from far away does me little good. In the end, it's still me....thinking in the dark. I've been questioning myself lately - about my life, motivations and even how I've interepreted the events of the past few years. It feels as if my entire time with Adam was a dream. And now I have awoken like some lost traveller returning home with no memory. Just the fading touch of a half remembered fairy tale and a longing to return.

I want him back. Even now I have the secret hope that things will not work out and thus realizing his mistake, he'll come rushing back to me. To his home.

I can't deny reality though. In his personal he states that there was nothing in Indy keeping him here except this job, and relationship wasn't comparable to the treasure he'd found. It hurts me that our entire time together meant so little.

I saw pictures of them together and Adam looked so very much in love. That burning image; it's what made me realize he didn't love me the way I needed. I don't remember him looking on me with such intensity. I don't think anyone ever has.

I just miss him. So very, very much.

Sunday, July 24, 2005


He's gone. Nothing I did could stop him from going. He left on a Friday to meet this guy and didn't come home until the following Monday night.

I tried to keep myself occupied, tried not to call him, tried not to panic. I saw it in his eyes when he returned; it was over.

The details are so surrealistically blurry over the next few days. Each minute detail has been examined repeatedly until they're practically burned out of my memory. Last tuesday night I saw pics of them together. The sexual ones bothered me but in one pic....they were kissing and the way adam was looking at him. He'd never looked at me like that before.

I asked him to leave the next morning and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm still questioning myself if he'd stayed, would we have had a chance. He tells me no...that he would have left in a couple of weeks anyway. Maybe that's true.

My heart tells me things weren't that bad, it tells me that there is still love there, and it tells me that I've probably just lost not only the best boyfriend I've ever had, but my best friend too.

My life is so empty without him. My every thought is on him in some way whether it's a song we've heard, a movie together or place visited. God I'm still in love with him and I just need it to end.

I know things get better with time, and I know things are better a little bit already, but I'm not sure I want to move on. I want to curl up and die. I don't know if I can do this.

My heart is broken.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005


what do I do now?

Monday, July 11, 2005

in the end 2

I think I'm losing my boyfriend. I see all the signs. Amusingly, I'm the orchestrater of this little symphony.

I didn't want to get hurt again, so I thought having an open relationship would allow me to keep sane and keep my emotional distance from him. I thought if he sleeps with people under controlled conditions, I'll never get used to the idea of forever (silly thing to hope for still, but I can't help it) and thusly be hurt when, not if, he leaves. You see, they always leave in the end.

Six months have come and gone. I'm a bit sickened that my attraction to him is increased when I see others lusting after him. He's a very, very sweet guy and there's no doubt I love him. It just doesn't feel quite so reciprocated - not how I need.

Perhaps I'm too needy. Nah, I'm really independent....always on the lookout for someone attempting to usurp my freedoms and/or money. Maybe I'm only needy when it's convenient for me. My stomach turns at that thought. Am I one of those people that I detest?

So far, I've not slept with anyone but Adam. He's been with two others. I'm confident that he's told me the truth as he's never been anything but totally honest. This is why I'm feeling a bit guilty. I've told him it's okay to sleep with others, then when he shows any kind of interest besides sexual, it disturbs me.

He's talking to a guy now long distance. For several days now, he's been secluding himself outside for conversations that last several hours. He tells me that it's because they have alot in common. If so, why is it necessary to chat over the internet cam with their shirts off?

It just doesn't feel right. I'm even considering just ending it myself to prevent further heartache.

I won't ask him to stop talking to this guy, eventhough Adam inquired if that's what I wanted. I just don't want to be somebody that does that. It's a freedom thing. I don't want to tell him it's okay and then make him feel guilty about it. I just don't know how to handle this.

I've resolved myself to just let it go; tell myself that it's a phase. That he's young and experimenting. That at least I have him in some fashion.

There. That proves it, I'm settling...just like I did with John.

and just like John, he'll leave in the end 2.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

the beautiful ones

"paint a perfect picture,
bring to life the visions in one's mind.
the beautiful ones always smash the picture,

I sat in the back seat of Mike's Scion; wind blowing against my face and I close my eyes. Shadows dance across my face. It feels as if I could be young again. Young like that one afternoon as Raymond and I drove to Broadripple in the spring.

I wished really hard to go back to that time. I wished so very hard that when I opened my eyes, I'd get to do it all again, and enjoy it instead of letting it pass me by. When I opened them, nothing had changed. I watched Adam from behind and became envious of his youth.

That night we sat by the pool while blue waves lit up the surrounding trees. Adam was flirting with Mike and it didn't seem to bother me as much this time. My fortune earlier had said "Your dearest wish will come true" I thought about that as I looked up at the sky....and saw a falling star.

I wished for my dream house - not unlike the one in which I was visiting. In retrospect, my dearest wish isn't the house. My dearest wish is if I could be 16 again and know the peace I have now.

I wouldn't take it all for granted.