Friday, June 27, 2008

Games, Pains and Automobiles

The Night From Hell!

Game night started off very typically; someone canceled, someone got bored, and I made a few retarded comments while flirting with the straight boys. Then coming home, something in my car didn't sound quite right. Then engine light came one, then I lost power steering. When my temperature gauge when to that Glaring Capital H (not Homo), I pulled over at the Speedway on Prospect and Keystone - not 2 miles from the safety and comfort of my home.

I began perusing my contact list for a possible rescue and to my dismay, the bars on my phone when from 3 fully charged lovely little vertical babies, to one lonely little tree of a disappointing gay nightmare. Thugs with brown bags were walking up and down the street.

I called Scott...several times and no answer. It was obvious she was asleep. I tried calling my cousin, it was obvious he wasn't going to answer and has no voice mail. I broke down and tried calling John, my ex that's now married to a woman and has a child. Oh the humanity!

Well, it seems when I got my new phone, his number didn't transfer over entirely as I was missing the last digit. So, systematically I began dialing his number...5, number, then 6...etc. I was sure it was a higher number. When I got to 0, I started with 1.

His number ended with a 4

John told me he couldn't help me cause he's still at work until 2am in Greensburg. So I called Rebecca from my work. Now mind you, we really don't know each other, but we say a movie together about two weeks ago and that's it.

So she looks up the roadside assistance number for me on and sent it via text message as I was sure my dyslexic ass would get it wrong. The stupid bitch on the phone took me through dumb ass questions trying to be friendly, btw, why is that they're friendly only when you don't need it? So, fearful of being stranded in Alchoholsville with no phone (scene from clueless anyone?) cept I didn't have an Alijah dress on!

I then hear I don't have coverage through my insurance. .... I then ask Becca to come get me. While waiting, I see a sign stating some drival about illegally parked vehicles will be towed at owners expense. So I call roadside assistance, which btw...was preprogrammed in my new phone from AT&T! only to find a two truck wouldn't be forthcoming for a couple of hours. UGH!

In a somewhat new minivan, she arrives and saves my day. I'm going home at last! I thought.

I offer money, my imaginary first born. She just wants to have a beer with me. Thinking, that's cool enough. I watch as we drive past my street, and end up at this rough neck bar at keystone and hanna. Becca's gas light comes on and I hear "Oh shit, I guess I need gas huh?"

Stepping out of the minivan, I saw it was complete with drunken white guys in the parking lot fighting.

I then hear "Oh, it is a tragedy." to which I asked already knowing the answer . . . "Did you just lock your keys in your car?"

The bar was clean enough, well, enough to not pick up anything too terribly antibiotic resistant. Two thug-ass black guys were on the stage really rapping to pounding, irritating music. The bar doesn't have Killians so I opt for a bud light. Beer of losers everywhere right?

The cops showed up and I told Becca they could unlock her car as they usually kept slimjim thingies. She found her keys.

We left and I was finally going home. Well, then she decides she's gonna drive with this gas light on and show me where this mechanic is she knows. We were not headed in the general direction of my house.

I'd held it in enough. ... I plainly stated my case, and several minutes later, I was stumbling through my house to my electric plug and phone jack.

....John called me at 2am and we talked for about an hour. We had a plan. I am to call Speedway early in the morning to request they don't tow me. He's gonna pick me up around 11am and see if he can fix it himself. Before this, I'm going to call Pep Boys and make sure I can drop my car off there if John can't pull his magic. If he can, then he's promised much sex and a steak lunch.

So. Here it is, nearly 4am and I'm wired from frustration. I've emailed holly and rhonda from work but unable to sleep.

I'm so over my life right now.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

everything changes

this time of time has always been my friend. when the house is quiet and dark, i slip through obstacles and find myself surrounded by the isolation within. it's rare when my out matches my in.

I'm a little saddened that my feelings for Jay aren't as tormenting as I thought they would be. how fucked up is that? have I lost the capacity to feel intensely? I've just to look in hiss dark eyes, flashing smile, chest hair or goofy gait and I stand transfixed. He's so available at work, but when away, I never hear from him.

steve decided to go back to his wife, but she's hesitant. That's hurt his ego I believe. I wish I could help him as it's obvious he's hurting, but he did bring this on himself. He knows it too and that's the part that I'm worried over. A dose of reality, although needed, may not be what was needed right now. I hope he has a happy ending.

speaking of endings and happiness, it seems my boss thinks gay people can change if they choose. flabberghasted is not even a word to describe the whole scenario. I know she's a little sheltered, but I always picture die hard southern baptist stupid fucks thinking that way, not someone I admire. Comforting that I'm still not as acccepted as the media would have you think.

I really wish something would change for me.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


I've never been this accountableless
and within
I've never known focuslessness on any form
I've never had this lack of ache for dalliance
To let go
And let God in ways I have never even imagined

I declare a moratorium on things relationship
I declare a respite from the toils of liaison
I do need a breather from the flavors of entanglement
I declare a full time out from all things commitment

I've never let my grasp soften fingers like this
I've never been careless,
Otherless like autonomy's twin

Ah to breathe...
Stop looking outside
Stop searching in corners of rooms
Not my business or timing

I've never known freedom from intertwining
I start again this time for keeps
In my skin I'm residing