tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-130235352024-03-06T23:36:14.978-05:00faithcatch me if i fall
i'm losing hold
i can't just carry on this way
and every time
i turn away
lose another blind game
the idea of perfection holds me...
suddenly i see you change
everything at once
the same
but the mountain never moves...Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger302125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-79068157780665723922019-10-03T03:33:00.001-04:002019-10-04T05:50:50.932-04:00typically me<br />
<br />
Sometimes, usually late at night, I let my defenses down and allow myself to feel things.<br />
<br />
Laying here with only the light of my laptop, fan blowing on me and listening to Sophie snore. In moments like these, I can admit to just how lonely I am. Eric's 'experimentation' with me whetted my appetite for intimacy. In the last year, I've improved both my house, outlook and body,...but still not much has changed.<br />
<br />
Losing so much weight and getting meds under control helped my self image and I thought, maybe now someone would find me attractive. I've tried beuing less of a dickhead, tried applying a filter to my comments but I'm getting discouraged. Eric hasn't seen me since March and the excuses are never ending. I just stopped asking and now its weeks between contact - that being a few snarky comments.<br />
<br />
I had this super cute guy deliver groceries to me today and it moved me to the point I posted an ad on craigslist under missed connections. Got the typical weirdos replying but my stomach flipped when I got a possible real response. Turned out it was some random guy hoping I was a desperate enough "ladie" to forgo the thought he replied to an ad not for him.<br />
<br />
John's been staying with me for over a month now and I'm feeling a bit used. He eats, showers and has clutter everywhere, but the movie buddy an occasional help with things make it tolerable. The arguments between him and pyscho girlfriend have decreased a bit but they still put me on edge. John's here all through the week but vacates on the weekends.<br />
<br />
So thankful for my sunday game as it gives me something to do. I just hope I don't fuck it up by saying/doing something typically me and offending them.<br />
<br />
I wish someone new would come into my life, and show me it's worth still living.<br />
<br />
Addon - got reply from craigslist. "Your nasty. I was just doing my job" Feeling down, but then I thought ' no real loss; he doesn't know the difference between your and you're' Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-64874622487522244362019-09-17T23:58:00.000-04:002019-09-17T23:58:16.520-04:00summer<br />
Tomorrow will mark two weeks without talking to Eric. He's not attempted contact and neither have I.<br />
<br />
Solved the refrigerator issue by finding another on craigslist.<br />
<br />
John is staying here awhile and arguing with his girlfriend almost nightly.<br />
<br />
sigh, summer needs to end. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-14984745101001377402019-08-27T05:17:00.003-04:002019-08-27T05:17:50.482-04:00what we're givenMy body is a cage<br />
that keeps me from dancing with the one I love<br />
But my mind holds the key<br />
<br />
I'm standing on a stage<br />
Of fear and self-doubt<br />
It's a hollow play<br />
But they'll clap anyway<br />
<br />
You're standing next to me<br />
My mind holds the key<br />
<br />
I'm living in an age<br />
That calls darkness light<br />
Though my language is dead<br />
Still the shapes fill my head<br />
<br />
I'm living in an age<br />
Whose name I don't know<br />
Though the fear keeps me moving<br />
Still my heart beats so slow<br />
<br />
We take what we're given<br />
Just because you've forgotten<br />
That don't mean you're forgiven<br />
<br />
I'm living in an age<br />
That screams my name at night<br />
But when I get to the doorway<br />
There's no one in sight<br />
<br />
I'm living in an age<br />
That laughs when I'm dancing with the one I love<br />
But my mind holds the key<br />
<br />
You're standing next to me<br />
My mind holds the key<br />
Set my spirit free<br />
Set my body free Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-17293719655886244012019-08-23T00:31:00.001-04:002019-08-23T00:31:53.852-04:00I started something and now I'm not too sure<br />
I need to write something but I know this might be seen, so in my shame...and anger, I'll refrain from details.<br />
<br />
You see, I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to be in a 'situation' again, but here I am in three.<br />
<br />
Resentment is surfacing for someone I thought was over. I romised myself that to hurt him would be easier than just suffering in silence. Now I'm losing my desire to hurt further. The pain hasn't lessened ... just changed into something else; now I feel tainted. Is a promise to myself worth it?<br />
<br />
I said I'd never fall for someone that couldn't desire me as much as I desired them, but here I am. I see the signs and can make a decision, but do I want to? I'm used to this.<br />
<br />
And thirdly, like the old smiths song: "I started something, typical me...typical me, I started something and now I'm not too sure"Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-14282768252770544162019-08-22T01:31:00.001-04:002019-08-22T02:20:01.117-04:00ericFour months since I've seen Eric - My interest is fading. <br />
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfdbaS-vu00<br />
<br />
John left Trish and moved back in - I've no interest<br />
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ID4n9r3u_qw<br />
<br />
Randy is silent - Interested only in hurting him<br />
<br />
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-CUvbagiyI<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-44396280464936761412019-08-10T04:46:00.001-04:002019-08-10T04:46:36.767-04:00News<br />
<br />
I found out Raphael died last February 24th. I was cleaning up messages in Facebook when I saw one from Larry Tindle. I did'nt get it right away because I have him muted.<br />
<br />
Not sure how I'm feeling about this. I wanted him to die for so long because it would guarantee he'd never come slinking around to use or steal from me again. Yet I'm feeling the weight of ages: there's only three of us left that I know of.<br />
<br />
I'm free of Raymond & Ralph now.<br />
<br />
My cousin Mark has been on my mind lately,...I home its not an omen.<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-33610685261124822622019-08-05T15:40:00.001-04:002019-08-05T15:40:12.167-04:00peace<br />
I long for goodness and light, but some days...the weight of the past fills me with loathing. <br />
<br />
Getting flashes of how I've been disregarded, abused and forgotten. I go outside and I see Adam talking to a guy he was planning on leaving me for, all the while making me believe we were solid. John reading the personal ads in Nuvo right in front of me. Randy ghosting me. etc<br />
<br />
I missed GenCon again this year. Both money issues and my not wanting to be around people. I feel hypocritical as I deride my mother for being a total recluse yet I find excuses not to do things. I miss the enjoyment of things...mostly the ability to just be in the moment. <br />
<br />
It's not all doom & gloom though. I find peace with my babies or when I'm gaming. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-62485803732120211892019-08-01T01:36:00.000-04:002019-08-01T01:36:04.472-04:00summer heat<br />
Simmering angry with myself. Took awhile but it looks like Eric is in that liar/avoider category. When we started having sex, he was really into it - then I noticed his enthusiasm waning followed by excuses. So yeah, officially filing him away in that "Whateva" box.<br />
<br />
Haven't heard anything bad from John so he must be in that Honeymoon phase again. With Gencon coming, I'm sure there will be drama. Not really sure how I feel about our recent hookup.<br />
<br />
Due to money issues, cashing in one of my insurance policies.<br />
<br />
Summer heat sucks.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-5724267554710558992019-07-22T03:25:00.001-04:002019-07-22T03:25:13.157-04:00hope not<br />
<br />
AC not working, fridge not working, electricity in back bedroom not work. Feel like giving up. Scheduled repair for fridge in August but now might have to spend it on central air.<br />
<br />
After three weeks of silence, Randy sends a face pic ...after I sent a vulgar text hoping he'd get the point. On the phone now listening to John bitch about his girlfriend / same shit. <br />
<br />
At least I'm playing D&D.<br />
<br />
It's been really hot the past week. Was looking forward to a big cold front today with severe storms - it lasted about 20 minutes with barely any thunder. Cooled down outside to 73, but house taking longer. Per John, the AC wasn't clogged with fur but something is definitely wrong.<br />
<br />
Best part of the day; feeding my dogs table food and their look of adoration/gratitude.<br />
<br />
I fear I've stretched my stomach more than I should. Jeeze I hope not.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-10978192009415171482019-07-17T21:48:00.000-04:002019-07-17T21:48:08.883-04:00livid<br />
<br />
So fucking livid right now. Waited all day for the fridge repair guy to show up - he arrived five minutes before end of window. From the start he acted like it was inconvenience. Asshole was looking around my house then asked me if I lived alone.<br />
<br />
He didn't even take the back off the fridge before he started taking "hundreds of dollars" and "not worth it". He then started talking like it would be over the max listed on the phone call. I told him my limit was 425 and that ended that. <br />
<br />
Then the fucker insisted on a 70 call out charge and he didn't even diagnose the problem. Five minutes after leaving, I stopped payment on the charge. <br />
<br />
Therm reading 78. John said he was coming to look at it tomorrow morn.<br />
<br />
Eric said he can't come over til end of July - 4 months now. Told him I wouldn't ask again.<br />
<br />
Fuck everyoneUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-15175034674163675592019-07-17T01:49:00.001-04:002019-07-17T01:49:26.147-04:00in short<br />
<br />
July 15th - Something happened on this day in 2005 but it's not worth spending time on, neither is he.<br />
<br />
In short...<br />
<br />
I think Randy finally got the point - I don't thin he'll be contacting me again. Same ole routine with John. Eric still too busy and DeWayne still delusional. Weight loss has plateaued.<br />
<br />
Met two new guys that joined my game; one is so chill he looks high, the other is a ginger funnyman. Of course I flirted - can't help myself. <br />
<br />
Fridge repair estimate tomorrow - That'll cost me Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-18639192551872645862019-07-04T22:57:00.000-04:002019-07-04T22:57:09.255-04:00fire in the sky<br />
Sitting in the dark while fireworks explode outside like the sting of an insult. Felling a bit like I'm in limbo. Car battery is dead, fridge is dead but at least I'm comfortable in my distress. <br />
<br />
Spoke with Sandrah; she's not doing so well. Eric is on another family trip and John keeps venting about bullshit that he won't fix. <br />
<br />
I suddenly want ice creamUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-24280725518416139142019-07-01T03:47:00.001-04:002019-07-01T03:47:45.397-04:00blah<br />
<br />
There are so many things to do but I keep putting them off. It's gotten really hot which gives me even more reason to not do anything. It took me three days to go get a script waiting for me.<br />
<br />
I've not texted Eric since last Tuesday. I really don't see the point. It's just me saying something witty, then probing to see when we can hook up again then one of his excuses. Setting in that I allowed myself to be used in desperation to feel ... anything.<br />
<br />
John got an ultimatum to get a full time time in two weeks or move out. First he was typically john about it, now he's caving. Another one I should just fade.<br />
<br />
Speaking of which, I actually told Randy I still loved him. It was more of an expletive during a text, but in retrospect, I think we both knew what I meant. Why can't I forget him?<br />
<br />
My game is set to start on the 13th and the closer it gets, the more anxious I feel. My house needs major cleaning and all I want to do is lay here...cocooned. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-89518804057586136922019-06-13T05:42:00.000-04:002019-06-13T05:42:04.064-04:00made their beds<br />
In the flash of ....well quick. April & James have moved back from Wisconsin. I will start running a new Pathfinder game on the 22nd as they are bringing in two new players. I was just bitching about no friends.<br />
<br />
I'd not heard from Randy after sending him a couple of jokes and pretty much decided he'd disappeared again, when he text messaged me at midnight. God I miss that man.<br />
<br />
Sophie has benn limoing the past few days but seems a little better today.<br />
<br />
Slept all day yesterday and now up listening to the rain outside. I already don't want to go to dialysis.<br />
<br />
31lbs lost since surgery.<br />
<br />
John brought dog food on Monday. Tings are escalating in the custody hearing for Jack. Apparently lying about me telling him about my relationship wasn't the only one. Now he's saying John is abusive and that he's forced to sleep 'on a flea ridden couch' while at John's. I've seen how the two of them are and he is not abusive. <br />
<br />
If Jack said those things, it's because he stands to get something and/or is being pressured to do so. Heather suggestions about me are very offensive. They started right after the divorce finalization where she found out she wasn't getting half of John's annuity. <br />
<br />
I miss having Jack around but I definitely don't miss John using me as a nanny. Little bastard made his bed...just like his fatherUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-32379303349222460222019-05-31T00:34:00.002-04:002019-05-31T00:34:25.204-04:00no one left<br />
Stayed home from dialysis today for no reason other than I didn't feel like leaving the bed.<br />
<br />
I got up an hour early and just wanted to lay here. The zoloft is supposed to help with that. <br />
<br />
John called me today just to bitch about his girlfriend - blah, blah, blah. I can't even take pleasure in his situation. I want to see the new godzilla movie but no one to go with. dewayne is an ass an eric barely comes over to get his dick sucked. That's it, no more friends. Funny I get to a place where I want to go out in public again and there's no one left.<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-17594429821658055012019-05-29T06:26:00.000-04:002019-05-29T06:26:19.317-04:00Second Weigh in - two weeks<br />
177.2 kg<br />
<br />
total loss 16.31 lbs<br />
<br />
The body found in a suitcase by my house was that of my ex step father's cousin. He'd been missing since March. My mother took it pretty hard becase he was close to her best friend Sue. Not really sure I have anything more to say about that.<br />
<br />
As my stomach shrinks, I'm noticing crepe skin. ugh...<br />
<br />
Eric sent me a shirtless pic today, and....I think I'm losing interest.<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-51840761905839965012019-05-25T05:28:00.002-04:002019-05-25T05:28:43.737-04:00two from the past<br />
<br />
Was talking with DeWayne yesterday and lamenting over the death of role playing when he told two friends were moving back to Indy. April & James joined my Kingmaker game most of the way through and were really good players. Its rare to find people that want to still hang around me with all the bullshit I put out, but the did. Now they're coming back.<br />
<br />
So I went on facebook (gag) to reconnect and talked briefly about their return. Then on a whim, I messaged a friend from highschool - she was online. She lives here in Indy and not seen her since oh, 1993 I think. We've both grown up alot - she was fun. She didn't know Raymond had past, so I filled her in on all the info I knew on mutual people from our past.<br />
<br />
Everything was going brightly until I remembered one thing: Eric and I are sleeping together. This is complicated because I met him through April/James' friend Drew. They only knoe Eric as straight which is kinda funny because he says he still is but just hedonistic. Whatever girl, you work in theater.<br />
<br />
So I brought the subject up and poor baby thought I was concerned about whether to include Drew iif gaming is an option. I wandered how he'd react when asked and was disappointed when he said not to say anything. Iunderstand his feelings but it's messing with that whole "I'm a dirty secret" insecurity. <br />
<br />
Time to bite the bullet; I knew\ what I was getting into. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-78307972189479412412019-05-24T05:47:00.000-04:002019-05-24T05:47:20.855-04:00Stop counting<br />
I've decided to stop counting days since the surgery. Maybe it's just laziness or that iit sunk in this is forever. The reality of it isn't that poetic; I'm constipated, can't each more than a few bites of food and when I do, I feel like I'm going to burst.<br />
<br />
I've already noticed a difference in my body - mostly thighs feel less ...malleable. <br />
<br />
I've been really introspective lately. I had a friend abandon me right after the amputation, well he was more than a friend; he was my hero slash crush. We would talk everyday and I valued his opinion even if disagreeing. Primarily we were gaming buds as that was how we met.<br />
<br />
I was abrasive and pushy, he was flirtatious and aloof - bad bromance recipe. When he decided he'd rather play the married daddy role again, we drifted. He brought a bunch of miniatures for D&D over because he'd stopped playing. At the time, it was my the only social event in my life, and it really hurt because I was losing the silly dream of his being mine, my gaming group (others stopped talking to me) and someone to drink with.<br />
<br />
When I was trying to make him understand how I was feeling, he made an off comment about how the bouncing DirecTv logo never reached the corner. Was it meant to lighten the mood? It just reinforced he didn't care. I stopped trying then.<br />
<br />
Flash forward a few years and he's hinting he wants the mini's back. I'm not using them; they're mixed in with mine and some part of me wants to punish him. When he left, along with that bitch Katie and eric, he participated in killing one of the few things I loved in my life. <br />
<br />
I think that I will always want/miss him, but can I find it in my heart to forgive,...and can he as well?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-77793560339963812152019-05-19T03:04:00.000-04:002019-05-19T03:04:03.131-04:00First Weigh In<br />
Saturday May 18th, weight 178.8 kg<br />
<br />
I was in a pretty good mood today. It was very warm (85f) and I got to sit in the sun a bit while the dogs played. I have no physical appetite but mentally... I've ha 11oz of protein shake, 1/4 cream of chicken soup and 6oz of strawberry yogurt.<br />
<br />
Thinking of the things I might do once I recover more. I'd like to join a local gaming group and start rebuilding my circle of friends. Time to let all the hate and negativity go.<br />
<br />
When I was in the hospital, before surgery, Father Mike came in and said a prayer with me. Normally I'd be all pissy about that but instead, I found it comforting.<br />
<br />
I miss Randy, Katie and Al...those were the best gaming days I've had. I don't miss the boyfriend/spouse drama though. Wish I could have friends that don't have to answer to anyone; could do something without having to check with someone. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-56140723211461636932019-05-18T00:34:00.001-04:002019-05-18T00:34:38.579-04:00Day +2 Friday<br />
Wow, getting full after three bites of soup is surreal. <br />
<br />
Eating is both quick and frustrating. I have to super chew everything or I get cramps - and that weird shoulder pain the nurses said is common. Funny how you can feel pain somewhere other than the the cause of it.<br />
<br />
My sugars are pretty stable as my liver starts to use stored fat as energy. I am allowing myself to daydream about being thinner. One of my life dreams could be coming true.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-59993627959533630462019-05-16T12:03:00.003-04:002019-05-16T12:03:50.160-04:00Day +1<br />
Sitting here at St Francis. Surgery was successful with no complications,...knock on Formica. I'm kind of sore but not needing anything but tylenol right now.<br />
<br />
Ewa gave me a hard time yesterday as he wouldn't come into the house and my ride was on it's way. it was difficult but I had to leave him outside and rely on john to let him in. I know he gets static from him insignificant other whenever I contact him, but that's his problem.<br />
<br />
After the surgery, I was high as hell and having chaotic thoughts. I even flirted with the nurse attending. omg, some of things I say. It's no wonder I don't have friends anymore.<br />
<br />
As for that, Eric is in Florida and DeWayne is house bound due to car issues. When discharged, my mother and uncle will be picking me up. <br />
<br />
Glad I brought my laptop because the tv here sucks; they only have the basic DirecTv channels <br />
<br />
Been playing around with this free service called Pluto.tv and although they have commercials, the shows aren't edited for content. Verified that with the Terminator and there was Arnold's big ole dick flopping around.<br />
<br />
I see that someone has been reading these blogs, wonder who it is. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-9814593029196380092019-05-15T00:51:00.001-04:002019-05-15T00:51:21.619-04:00Day - 0<br />
<br />
7 hours and it's a go.<br />
<br />
Nervous<br />
<br />
Holding babies tight.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-76116995931163980212019-05-13T02:04:00.002-04:002019-05-13T02:04:14.588-04:00Day - 2<br />
Mother's Day<br />
<br />
Bit the bullet and called my mother. I wonder if she knows I feel nothing for her. You can't be distant most of my life and expect love, especially when she abandoned me while raising the daughter of her husband instead.<br />
<br />
Anyway, more hurdles for the surgery. DeWayne's brakes went out so there goes my initial transportation plan. Backup #1 use IndyGo for both trips...thier computers are down. Emailed John and no reply. Looks like I'll be driving myself to and from surgery; waited eight months for this - relying on others gets you no where.<br />
<br />
Date with Eric turned out well although I didn't have a libido at all. He always goes twice and was introduced to something he's never had before. Says he's a big fan now :)<br />
<br />
I like Eric, a lot, but I know someone I'd rather have more.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-62700219349823230962019-05-09T23:45:00.002-04:002019-05-09T23:46:18.857-04:00Day - 6<br />
Got my post surgery protein shakes today. Just waiting on the jello sample pack and I'll be set for May. I just can't bring myself to drink chicken/beef broth by itself. IOt's like drinking the hot dog water.<br />
<br />
Day started off as shit: Missed dialysis due to bathroom visits and rain. Then Ewa refused to come inside which worried me because Amazon was delivering a new mouse pad today. He eventually came in and Aamazon did deliver, just to my back porch where I can't reach.<br />
<br />
Groceries supposed to have been hereby 7, but didn't until 8. Apparently the driver just blew me off and got fired. The replacement driver looked just like Katie. Just another wannabe chubby goth girl playning at being interesting.<br />
<br />
The day is dwindling down and I'm finally feeling better.<br />
<br />
Eric date tomorrow and he's getting a surprise :) <br />
<br />
Sex dream about Randy again, damn him...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13023535.post-88668850907892189572019-05-08T01:36:00.001-04:002019-05-08T01:36:25.035-04:00day - 7<br />
One week to go. Weight started to creep back up and retaining water. <br />
<br />
I had a little extra money this month and ordered some new shoes and a wireless mouse. Two ways to look at it: either the universe knows when I have extra money and throws shit at me, or it allows for the problems by assuring there is always a way.<br />
<br />
Trying to be hopeful.<br />
<br />
Meds are about to be re-arranged again due to new cardiologist, but I do have the release. Surgery May 15th at 8:55am. <br />
<br />
Ewa is still being a butthead with not coming when I call him, so I just leave him outside. He eventually comes in. I read that you shouldn't scold a dog when he doesn't come because it's considered a "poisoned cue", but oh how I want to spank that ass. The other dogs are really good but I'm noticing age in Sophie. Seems like yesterday I went through the heartache of losing Eukas and Shadow.<br />
<br />
Maybe seeing Eric this Saturday - Boy is going to be drained when I'm done.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0