Tuesday, October 30, 2007


he's coming, he's coming; he's coming!

Something,....so spectacularly monumental, something long in coming is about to happen. I often fantasized about this moment, and here it is.... I'm not sure what to do with it. I'm excited of course, but I feel really reserved about it as well. I mean, the circumstances aren't exactly without consideration.

Words are useless when trying to describe ... what it is that's going on. And Cedric is, .... that really worn blanket you'd entangle yourself in on a saturday morning while watching cartoons and eating a huge bowl of cereal. He's the first drop of rain after a sweltering day and the lightning that flashes in the distance. Cedric is like the concept of infinity, never truly grasped.

he's coming.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

and I fell

This is what I wanted, this is right.....isn't it?

If so, why do I feel ... set free?

Cedric and I have been doing this dance for nearly three years now. It's started to get more intense with both of us inching closer to that point where everything changes. Earlier this year,

Cedric said those three words I can never seem to believe.
I allowed myself to fall again. But it didn't happen then, it happened last night. I've written that I think he's a game player...and he is, but he didn't know it. I think he does now though. Or least he realizes some of the things he, ... we've been doing.

My pain wouldn't let me forget that he was involved with someone. Cedric insisted that his boyfriend knew, but I can't bring myself to believe that...because how could he allow it to continue? So I distanced myself, which was easy after I confessed my feelings for him in return.

He's a persistant little bugger though. Even knowing it was him calling, my breath would still catch when I heard that voice, that resonance filled expulsion of thoughtful words. He commented that i'm poetic and profound, I wonder what he would think if I told him I need my muse.

In desperation, I called him and it was all right again. I'm so confused by him, always hot and cold. Words flow from him like hot summer rain but then I find out i'm not the only one the sky cries upon. I'm not jealous in the classical sense. I've just never been someone's special guy and it hurts to play second best. I can't do it anymore.

Then Sunday, he told me he wanted to meet me in person, and that I should have a mail package soon. In the same conversation, he asked me what I would do in his place. And I said...the truth. I told him if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't be talking to other guys they way he does.

...he took it to heart.

Last night he told me he was backing off a bit, to allow himself to "work". Irony is, I broke then. I said earlier I fell.

I sat trembling as I opened his pacakage, trying to slow myself. The cd enclosed was pretty ordinary, but his note....a sample of his writing. Then I noticed a silver glint from the top. There was the cross symbol in keychain form that he has tattooed on his chest. The symbol when he explained means helping people.

I opened his note and inhaled him. I was holding something that he held, and it was then that I fell.

Now, he's backing off....and in grand tradition of all that is me, I want more.

Monday, October 15, 2007

nothing to say

I really have nothing to say here about Xandrah or Tobey; to do so, would mean I care.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

and it comes out

I knew cedric sometimes read my blog, but I didn't think the others did. Should I apologize for stating how I feel, or just accept things as they are?

Xandrah posted a very passive agressive post on myspace. I was about to remove her as a friend, but that would be doing the same thing. I just deleted the comment. I feel what I feel.

Randy asked me to lunch on friday. I was surprised because I'd just seen him Wednesday. I thought maybe it was because he's feeling a little isolated, or maybe because I commented on how thin,...how sick like thin he was looking.

Nope..., Tobey the soon to be ex, his current stalker, has been reading my blog. That's so pathetic, no wonder he left her ass. Saying that, I know she'll read this and there'll be inevitable friction when she tell's randy. Know what though, I'm his friend and I'm glad he's moving on. She's like a friggin vampire; sucking the life out of him. She kept going on until she got that marriage, got that house...and know she's paying the price for something she engineered. She can just deal with it.

I had my confrontation with cedric today. I guess I had to spell it out for him...or so he says. I think I'll have to do the same with Scott. You know, I just don't have time for the bullshit anymore.

I applied for the supervisor position friday as the projecto coordinator hasn't been posted. It still needs the okay from senior management. I'm not about to pass up on that oppurtunity.

In other news, my mother's pseudo boyfriend put a bid in on a 1.4 million dollar house and it was accepted. She doesn't even love him but she's scheming to to get that money. I feel horrible because I'd like to put myself above that, but as I write this...I hestitate as I think someone will find it and persuade him not to marry her, thus I wouldn't get any money either.

My mother stated I could brind sandrah as my girlfriend to meet him and that ... affected me somehow but I can't put it in words. It's beyond disappointment, beyond disregard.

Steve spent the night again last night. I must say I have fun with him. There's nothing sexual and I'm flattered that he doesn't have all that macho crap preventing us from having a good time. People think there's something going on and that makes me feel even more separated from everyone.

Then I think, am I content being on the outside? I think I am.