Sunday, October 24, 2010

"Do you feel scared? - I do" howard jones

so...haven't heard from andrew since friday, his phone is off and he hasn't posted on facebook. yeah...I'm getting the point.

night out. I bit the bullet and went to the local g&m halloween party. it was just as lame as i thought it would be. as soon as i got there, this nasty thug black boy named dante kept rubbing on me. after finally getting away, i hanged around rufus most of the night.

i did get my tarot read though. andrew is the page of swords and the reader said that the more energy i put into it, the more i'll be upset. the knight of swords crosses me, and i know that was ralph. i was late before the party because I got so lonely, that i drove by his house. because of the reading, i now know that i can't contact him. i also know that i'm giving up andrew.

after that, we went to the 501 to look at the eye candy. nothing much but a couple of drinks and then now home.

so...andrew is now on cam and explaining his weekend and how he got to cuddle with an ex. he's going on and on about how his "lonely thoughts" are off him. i'm looking at him, and I want to strangle this little faggot.

...perfect moment of the day. sitting in darkened bar with eyes closed. howard jones remix comes one.

"and do you feel scared?......I do! Things can only get better"

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

everything falls apart.

sitting here, 39 and unsure of my future. I couldn't keep my mouth shut, and i got fired from my job because I posted something on facebook. My company nor my boss was mentioned by name, but they gave that as a reason. I feel like such a loser.

i feel estranged from my friends. the love I had for randy has finally died, and it's left behind an emptiness that I didn't expect. I thought there would only be left friendship, but now...I look at him, and there's very little feeling left at all of anykind.

katie has dropped out of my game. I know she needs to deal with issues, but i'm angry not because of her leaving, but because I really, really need friends right now, and no one's available. it's my own fault though.

and i'm falling in love with this young boy. he's hot, then he's cold. maybe it's the confusion that's enticing me. just saying that sounds disgusting and perverted. I'm a balding old man with diabetes, impotent and have feet and legs that swell. what the hell could I ever offer someone? the irony, just when I think i'm mature enough to handle love, I don't think anyone will ever love me again.

andrew told me the other night that he couldn't take a long distance relationship again. I get mixed signals from him as most nights we talk until almost dawn. I cant tell if he likes the idea of me, or really likes me. He makes comments that he's attracted to thin guys, but looking at his past boyfriends, they've been bald/bear types. I let my hopes get up that he's really into me, but cows to society's impression on what one should like.

It seems like my life has slowly crumbled since Eukas died. Since then, I've lost my job, Shadow is now showing the same signs as Eukas did a few months before she past, I've lost my job and my one other pleasure - dnd isnt fun anymore.

I'm so fucking lonely. my house echoes with silence and i need distractions to keep from worrying / thinking about everything. I fear a crash is coming.

I really had my hopes up to work with randy and eric, but also felt that I wasn't qualified for the job. less than 24 hours later, I had a vm that I didn't get it. I just feel like i'm not good enough for anyone or anything.