Thursday, December 14, 2006


a silence has entered, has consumed me. reflections of steven as fading, like the wisps of a half forgotten dream, though the emptiness his leaving left in its wake, remains.

for him, I gave my heart in vain,...realizing only now that he never loved me. the aching I've felt has diminished to ghost feelings, like a severed limb.

I live alone now; my days are spent shuffling papers and my nights shuffling memories. It's what I need now though, it keeps me busy. Keeps me from feeling.

shallow people surround me. It's always about what they want from me, what I can do for them when it's convenient for them. a friend of mine hurt me and didn't even know it. His motives are obvious - he professes friendship first as he's falling for someone else, yet always steers me towards sexual conversations. I make myself sick by allowing it, even teasing encouragingly, then regretting it. Now that his boyfriend from afar has arrived for a visit, there is silence...of which I'm sure will return when the bf leaves. From the backburner once more I'll be sought.

but in this blackness, a star shines brightly. I've made a friend, and possibly more. I hesitate to consider the possibilities for that is when the hurting time begins. He makes me smile.