Sunday, February 26, 2006

Still

I feel my heart is aching,
though it doesn't beat,
it's breaking.

And the pain here that I feel,
try and tell me it's not real.
I know that I am dead.
Yet it seems that I still have some tears to shed

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Twisted

I CRIED ON MY BLOOD DAY
THERE WAS NOTHING THAT I COULD HOLD ON TO
JUST A LINE COULD HAVE HELPED
REMIND ME OF YOU, OF YOU

I SCREAMED TILL THE BLOOD CAME
I WAS LIVING IN A CLOUD OF HOPE
LOVER`S KISS,
THEN THEY MAKE A WISH TO THE END,
THEY PRETEND

CAUSE EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE,
AND EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE
AND I`LL DO ANYTHING
YES I`LL DO ANYTHING
TO BELONG, TO BE STRONG
TO SAY THERE`S NOTHING WRONG

EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE
`CAUSE EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE
AND I`LL DO ANYTHING
YES I`LL DO ANYTHING
TO BELONG, TO BE STRONG
TO SAY THERE`S NOTHING WRONG

EVERYDAY HURTS

I CRIED IN THE SUNLIGHT
WOULD I FAKE ALL THE TIMES I LOVED YOU
JUST A PLAY IN A GAME
OF TWISTED WITH YOU,
WITH YOU

I NEED TO BELIEVE YOU
SACRIFICED ALL THE LIES WE MADE UP
HOW WE KISSED
THEN WE MADE OUR WISH TO THE END
TO THE END

TIME MADE ME CONFIDE IN YOU
SO CONTRIVED WERE THE WORDS YOU SOLD ME
NOW NOTHING CAN SWALLOW
THE FEELING SO SHALLOW INSIDE

Twisted

I CRIED ON MY BLOOD DAY
THERE WAS NOTHING THAT I COULD HOLD ON TO
JUST A LINE COULD HAVE HELPED
REMIND ME OF YOU, OF YOU

I SCREAMED TILL THE BLOOD CAME
I WAS LIVING IN A CLOUD OF HOPE
LOVER`S KISS,
THEN THEY MAKE A WISH TO THE END,
THEY PRETEND

CAUSE EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE,
AND EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE
AND I`LL DO ANYTHING
YES I`LL DO ANYTHING
TO BELONG, TO BE STRONG
TO SAY THERE`S NOTHING WRONG

EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE
`COS EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE
AND I`LL DO ANYTHING
YES I`LL DO ANYTHING
TO BELONG, TO BE STRONG
TO SAY THERE`S NOTHING WRONG

EVERYDAY HURTS

I CRIED IN THE SUNLIGHT
WOULD I FAKE ALL THE TIMES I LOVED YOU
JUST A PLAY IN A GAME
I TWISTED WITH YOU, WITH YOU
I NEED TO BELIEVE YOU
SACRIFICED ALL THE LIES WE MADE UP
HOW WE KISSED
THEN WE MADE OUR WISH TO THE END
TO THE END

TIME MADE ME CONFIDE IN YOU
SO CONTRIVED WERE THE WORDS YOU SOLD ME
NOW NOTHING CAN SWALLOW
THE FEELING SO SHALLOW INSIDE

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Appropriate

It began and ended appropriately.

I opened my eyes, stumbled out of bed, saw the sun shining through my dirty windowns and thought about the day's significance.

There was a message on my computer from Adam, and we ended up talking all day. I don't ever remember talking to him that long. Most of it was his venting, or crying over his breakup. We did have some laughs though, and I think we understand eachother alot better. It's closure for me I think.

He apologized for what he had done to me. And that was enough.

He's ready to leave Scott and I think it's for the best. He needs some time to heal and I told him some of the things that help me through difficulties like that. Poor guy, this is his first time getting heartbroken. The dysfunctional part of me keeps whispering that both he and his ex deserve exactly what they get. I don't like that part of me.

He's probably going to his mother's if he does leave. It all depends on if he get's this job from Scott's (his exboyfriend) sister. I really don't want him going there because I know she's going to debase him on being gay. He doesn't need that right now. So, I invited him here. I'm not quite sure of all my reasoning.

I do admit that I have a fantasy of his returning to me, even moreso that he's a bit more experienced and mature. Still though, I'm still hurting a bit at how easily I was discarded. I took a nap because it was becoming too much for me. What about my Scott? Would he get along with Adam? He's very difficult to live with.

When I awoke, Adam had called several times but I avoided the phone. I spoke with Scott and told him how I was feeling and he was surprisingly supportive. I don't give him enough credit. So, I came on the computer to check messages...and Adam had left me one stating that he probably had that job and was going to move to Pennsylvania.

My day ends with another late night journal entry, a freshly reopened wound and dashed hopes.

...how very, very appropriate.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Confused

I'm so confused. How can I still want him? ...Any of them?

It happened. Adam now knows what I went through last year as his boyfriend just ended their relationship. I thought I would feel happy but I can't really feel anything except pain that he's hurting. I wish I could just hold him and let him know it'll be okay, but he wants that from another. Funny that I have to say that to myself, still.

I found myself looking at Randy last Thursday. Oh there was a time when I was falling in love with him. There was also a time when I considered ending the friendship out of jealousy and pride. I'm glad I didn't. There'll always be a special place in my heart for him. I realize that, but when I have dreams about him...it just wrecks my entire day.

I'm feeling really old lately. It feels like it's going by so quickly and I can't stop it. I miss being so enthusiastic about everything; how it was all so new to me. I miss Adam most of all.

I have to face that I'm still in love with him and I'm so confused. He needs a friend right now, and that I can be....but am I strong enough to not get hurt? Right now would be the absolute worse time as he's still in love with Scott. He'll probably always be in love with him, or at least the idea of him. I wonder why it is no one has ever loved me that way.

Eukas and Shadow are getting so old. I watch them and can't help thinking of what's going to come. Oh god I love them so much. Eukas is shaking now and it's difficult for her to move sometimes, especially in the morning. They are my most precious things in this world and it's killing me that I'm losing them.

It seems like I'm destined to lose everyone. So many friends have just left, most of them without my even knowing why. It's like this heavy pressure comes over me, like being too far underwater. I can't breathe and the sadness just washes over me. Then a flood of hot tears stream down my face.

I'm so tired of being alone, especially when there are other people around me.