Friday, September 30, 2011

just keep swimming.

Picked up Shadow's ashes today after school.  It was strange how numb I feel.  I feel a little guilty that I'm not reacting to her death as I did with Eukas. To think I'll never get to feel how soft her fur was in my hands, or hold her next to me and make her safe.  She's in a better place now, I really do believe that.  I envision a large meadow with littly yellow flowers, she and eukas chasing butterflies and waiting for me.  One day.

Things have progressed with my roomie where I really wouldn't mind if he'd move out.   I found out some things he's posted about me on facebook, all the while being friendly to my face.  Oh well...lesson learned I guess. 

Just keep swimming.

Coming up on the end of my first 8 week semester, finals coming soon.  Got solid A's going in all classes.  Two of my instructions are difficult though, one is a micro manager and the other is so non interested in teaching that we've only had one full class. 

I'm not longer doing my grandmother's check book and that gives me no obligation to be around her.  I think I'll go see her this weekend just for fun.  Maybe take a tyler perry movie over to her.

possibly seeing randy this saturday night, but katie can't come.  missing them.

Just keep swimming.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


"She is my other eye that can see above the clouds;
my other ear that hear above the winds.
She is the part of me that can reach out into the sea.
She has told me a thousand times over that I am her reason for being;
by the way she rests against my leg;
by the way she thumps her tail at my smallest smile;
by the way she shows her hurt when I leave without taking her.
(I think it makes her sick with worry when she is not along to care for me.)

When I am wrong, she is delighted to forgive.
When I am angry, she clowns to make me smile.
When I am happy, she is joy unbounded.
When I am a fool, she ignores it.
When I succeed, she brags.
Without her, I am only another man. With her, I am all-powerful.
She is loyalty itself.
She has taught me the meaning of devotion.
With her, I know a secret comfort and a private peace.
She has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant.
Her head on my knee can heal my human hurts.
Her presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things.
She has promised to wait for me... whenever... wherever - in case I need her.
And I expect I will as I always have.
She is my dog."

missing you baby.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


reverberated strumming of guitar playing through computer speakers
ambient glow of monitor hastening deterioration of eyes
sweet, male voice begins to vocalize internal feelings shared.

listenting to Raised by Swans - North of Light's End

Week 5 of first semester of school.  So far doing well in all of my classes but one of my teachers isn't up to the task.  He's cut class short twice so he could go to another job, and wasn't here last week at all.  Today we were to have a make up glass, he didn't show until after half an we were almost to our cars.

My grandmother is showing the beginning signs of dementia.  She can't seem to remember things we've told her several times and it breaks my heart watching her fade.  Will that happen to me and would I care then?  It's both horrifying yet strangely narcotic to think about returning to the bliss of ignorance.  No one will be there for me then, I am quite certain.

Katie and I met for lunch Saturday and it went smoothly, but I still everything has changed.  It's not an uncomfortable feeling, just...I'm so exhausted of feeling angry, hurt and betrayed.   and even more tired of feeling like it was just desserts.   I miss randy so fucking much.

I got to run a game of Star Wars for Scott, DeWayne and John last friday.  It felt really good having my boys sitting at a table again. 

The weather today was grey and rainy.  Ultimate Beauty.

Monday, September 05, 2011


Autumn is here, I feel it.

Something I sought, and as usual, i'm full of reflections upon the current, and all things that could have been.

Second week of school is done, and i'm still amazed at how suddenly time is flowing appropriately. The last year seems to be a blur, but the past two weeks burn vividly. There's only one thing more pressing upon me, but I've spoken of it too much.

God I miss DnD.

I miss them.