Tuesday, June 28, 2011

again

Friday
"And now it comes to it at last. You will give me the One Ring freely! In place of the Dark Lord, you will set up a Queen, and I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night. Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain...all shall love me and despair!"

Sunday
‎'I pass the test', she said. 'I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel.' "

I feel at peace now. In then end, I couldn't be the thing everyone believes me to be. With or without him, I retain myself. I've pretty much slept since he left, I don't honestly think I'll every play dnd again.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

curse

I said goodbye to my best friend today. ...through a text message because he's disappeared on me.

I quoted a line from a beatles song, In My Life.

...I loved you most of all.

thanks katie, from the deepest part of me, I curse thee. whatever pain, torment and torture befalls you, you deserve it.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

phoenix

good news today.

Monday I attend an orientation for this program through the state. My friend Joe told me about it. It's federal funded and for unemployed or underemployed people to return to school and get an accelerated associates degree. The program I'm targeting is for computer support including the A+ certification.

There are some hoops I'll have to jump through but it's understandable. After that, I have to take a placement test. Ick, gotta review some algebra in prep. I didn't prep when I took the test for IUPUI and could only get basic math. I should've paid more attention in school.

Afert applying, then I've got a few meetings with people determining placement. The part that worries me is the two and a half day team building exercise to see how you work with others. um....yeah. but it's gotta be done to get what I want.

and I want this. I want something i can be proud of. I want to be reborn.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

but then

Today was not so bad. Some days are better than others, especially if I've distractions; currently that being Bioshock. Of course I'm sleeping way too much and thinking.
I've caught myself going to message Randy several times now and stopped myself. I've spent all of my live clinging in desperation to those that wish to leave. I can't do it anymore. This decision came to me when I saw a pic of his playing Rockband 3 at Katie's house this last Saturday. He hates that drive, he hates drinking there late, and he's said it so many times. Why the change? Because Randy is doing what he always does, looking out for his own desires.
Both Randy and Katie said they loved me to my face. Fucking bullshit! This whole mess is all of our faults. Katie did call Randy and tried to make him angry at me, because she was mad at me. She fucking said this on the phone! but then,...Randy was the one that got her all upset by telling her that I'd said "I've made my decision about Katie". I did say that, but he didn't know what I meant by it. Next response was Katie's hateful email to the dnd group.
Fuck Al and his cunt wife, I was never worried about losing him as a friend because he's spineless and I've little respect for him. Eric's departure, well...that one kinda stung. Of all of that group, Eric was the least deceitful and his chastisement really made me feel like a heel. but then,...I flat out asked him if I'd ever made him uncomfortable about a week prior to this, and he said no. I even apologized after that and said I hope I don't. the night before Randy's visit, I texted him again and asked if we were still friends. His remark, in retrospect,is full of sarcasm, but it said "why would I stop being your friend?".
Katie will never know how close to danger she actually got. At that moment, I was so livid over her secret loathing of me, that I almost went to social services about her kids.
But then,...I didn't. Not only because of my love for Katie, but because I like her children very much and they seem to be having a dream childhood. I'm not about to screw with that.
and me,...I built myself up to being this bitch full of revenge. All of those things I said I did...lies.

and now I've decided to punish myself and deal with it. it's been suggested I apologize to Katie and try to mend fences. I'm not sure I can. There would always be that doubt that if we indeed did talk again, what was she thinking behind that smile. And Randy, he's pulled his disappearing act too many times on me.

That day, I allowed them to make me feel like I was the worst person in the world. Not anymore. From now on, everyone has to prove how much they can be a friend to me, and not the other way around.

I had my mourning period. Now I'm in Stage 2 - Anger. I was angry writing this, but then,...I'm letting go.

Friday, June 10, 2011

loathing

There's a look on your face I would like to knock out
See the sin in your grin and the shape of your mouth
All I want is to see you in terrible pain
Though we won’t meet again I remember your name

Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to God I think of a nice thing to say
But I don't think I can so fuck you anyway

You`re a scum, you`re a scum and I hope that you know
That the cracks in your smile are beginning to show
Now the world needs to see that it's time you should go
There's no light in your eyes and your brain is too slow

Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to God I can think of a nice thing to say
But I don't think I can so fuck you anyway

Bet you sleep like a child with your thumb in your mouth
I could creep up beside put a gun in your mouth
makes me sick when I hear all the shit that you say
so much crap coming out it must take you all day

There's a space kept in hell with your name on the seat
With a spike in the chair just to make it complete
When you look at yourself do you see what I see
If you do why the fuck are you looking at me

There’s a time for us all and I think yours has been
Can you please hurry up cos I find you obscene
We can’t wait for the day that you’re never around
When that face isn’t here and you rot underground

Can’t believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I don’t think I can so fuck you anyway

So fuck you anyway

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4gBzUwo6Iw

over

I hugged my mother today. I'm not sure why.

Day 3 since I had a text from Randy, Day 13 since he came by the house. I follow her tweets to see how much she's got to do and I think how fucking hateful she gets her life still after destroying two of the three things I cared most about in this world.

I know Randy is hoping we'll make up, but how could we? She apparently hates me and I've rediscovered my fear of being close to anyone. I struggle everyday with my anger vs disappointment. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Either way, mourning over, time to start picking up the pieces.

Sunday, June 05, 2011

isolation

quiet day. Had chance to go to the clubs tonight and start new friendships. Don't think I'm quite ready for it. I've had four texts from Randy since last friday. Asked him what he was doing tonight, he said Eric and Sara were coming over for boardgames and cards; no invite was forthcoming. I slept.
started to straighten up the miniatures on the shelves but stopped, couldn't bring myself to do it. somehow if I put them up, its like saying goodbye. remembering the first time i played with raphael and raymond. everytime I played, reminded me of how I felt then, how young I was.
have the chance to run for some people i've never met before, but my heart's not in it. i feel nothing for them.
i wish...i wish i'd just let randy exit my life when he exited the thursday night game. no stupid decisions would have been made, no friends lost. filled with regrets for everything i've done for these people who have forsaken me. trying very, very hard not to take the lesson of safety equaling isolation.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

today

...

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

crash and burn

Sitting here listening to Raised by Swans reflecting on past events. I came to the conclusion while talking with my mother yesterday, I'm damaged goods. Not in some tragic wannabe teen angst profession, I mean that as I'm doomed to never have a real relationship of any kind.

Recent events have shown that others perception of me and how I see myself aren't even similar. It's well known that I can have angry outbursts and am intimidating, I just never think of myself that way. I hope it doesn't sound like an excuse, but I've been exposed to so many hurtful situations, I think i'm so defensive, I push others away.

Essentially, I've been kicked out of my own D&D game. With more He Said, She said bs, something I said got repeated to another friend, which caused his silence. Friend A openly told me that it was repeated out of anger. I was only filled with disappointment. So much so, that I defriended Friend A from facebook. Before I could even explain why, Friend A sent a really hateful email to all those I play with...and I reacted stupidly. Flashbacks of Raphael/Raymond.

Long story short, other people in my game have voiced opinions that they don't want me to play in their reindeer games anywmore. Either because the drama I cause, or comments I've said. Funny, not just a month ago, I asked everyone if I'd ever offended them, or said anything to cause concern and not one of them spoke up.

but the kicker. I love Friend A, and this friend has apparently been complaining to people unknown how I've been nothing but manipulative and abusive. sigh.

So, after a few days...my bf Randy came and talked with me. The game aside, I could see in his eyes that the pressure was too much, and it was the first steps toward ending our friendship. I still hoped, but since then, communication has been .... null.

I've lived through a lot of things, and finding myself suddenly friendless is not new. What's the reason for that I ask? Part of it is the lies I've woven of how vindictive I am in hopes others would fear hurting me. Didn't work. Or perhaps I'm so deluded that I am a monster and don't deserve anyone. In my heart, I feel like a child that just wants to play, but then with all these incidents, am I really the rakshasa, the thing that gains trust then betrays?

Either way, i'm enduring this punishment. Crash and burn, and hopfully I can arise from the ashes once more. If not, RIP.