crash and burn
Sitting here listening to Raised by Swans reflecting on past events. I came to the conclusion while talking with my mother yesterday, I'm damaged goods. Not in some tragic wannabe teen angst profession, I mean that as I'm doomed to never have a real relationship of any kind.
Recent events have shown that others perception of me and how I see myself aren't even similar. It's well known that I can have angry outbursts and am intimidating, I just never think of myself that way. I hope it doesn't sound like an excuse, but I've been exposed to so many hurtful situations, I think i'm so defensive, I push others away.
Essentially, I've been kicked out of my own D&D game. With more He Said, She said bs, something I said got repeated to another friend, which caused his silence. Friend A openly told me that it was repeated out of anger. I was only filled with disappointment. So much so, that I defriended Friend A from facebook. Before I could even explain why, Friend A sent a really hateful email to all those I play with...and I reacted stupidly. Flashbacks of Raphael/Raymond.
Long story short, other people in my game have voiced opinions that they don't want me to play in their reindeer games anywmore. Either because the drama I cause, or comments I've said. Funny, not just a month ago, I asked everyone if I'd ever offended them, or said anything to cause concern and not one of them spoke up.
but the kicker. I love Friend A, and this friend has apparently been complaining to people unknown how I've been nothing but manipulative and abusive. sigh.
So, after a few days...my bf Randy came and talked with me. The game aside, I could see in his eyes that the pressure was too much, and it was the first steps toward ending our friendship. I still hoped, but since then, communication has been .... null.
I've lived through a lot of things, and finding myself suddenly friendless is not new. What's the reason for that I ask? Part of it is the lies I've woven of how vindictive I am in hopes others would fear hurting me. Didn't work. Or perhaps I'm so deluded that I am a monster and don't deserve anyone. In my heart, I feel like a child that just wants to play, but then with all these incidents, am I really the rakshasa, the thing that gains trust then betrays?
Either way, i'm enduring this punishment. Crash and burn, and hopfully I can arise from the ashes once more. If not, RIP.
Recent events have shown that others perception of me and how I see myself aren't even similar. It's well known that I can have angry outbursts and am intimidating, I just never think of myself that way. I hope it doesn't sound like an excuse, but I've been exposed to so many hurtful situations, I think i'm so defensive, I push others away.
Essentially, I've been kicked out of my own D&D game. With more He Said, She said bs, something I said got repeated to another friend, which caused his silence. Friend A openly told me that it was repeated out of anger. I was only filled with disappointment. So much so, that I defriended Friend A from facebook. Before I could even explain why, Friend A sent a really hateful email to all those I play with...and I reacted stupidly. Flashbacks of Raphael/Raymond.
Long story short, other people in my game have voiced opinions that they don't want me to play in their reindeer games anywmore. Either because the drama I cause, or comments I've said. Funny, not just a month ago, I asked everyone if I'd ever offended them, or said anything to cause concern and not one of them spoke up.
but the kicker. I love Friend A, and this friend has apparently been complaining to people unknown how I've been nothing but manipulative and abusive. sigh.
So, after a few days...my bf Randy came and talked with me. The game aside, I could see in his eyes that the pressure was too much, and it was the first steps toward ending our friendship. I still hoped, but since then, communication has been .... null.
I've lived through a lot of things, and finding myself suddenly friendless is not new. What's the reason for that I ask? Part of it is the lies I've woven of how vindictive I am in hopes others would fear hurting me. Didn't work. Or perhaps I'm so deluded that I am a monster and don't deserve anyone. In my heart, I feel like a child that just wants to play, but then with all these incidents, am I really the rakshasa, the thing that gains trust then betrays?
Either way, i'm enduring this punishment. Crash and burn, and hopfully I can arise from the ashes once more. If not, RIP.
posted by Robbie at
10:44 PM
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