isolation

quiet day. Had chance to go to the clubs tonight and start new friendships. Don't think I'm quite ready for it. I've had four texts from Randy since last friday. Asked him what he was doing tonight, he said Eric and Sara were coming over for boardgames and cards; no invite was forthcoming. I slept.
started to straighten up the miniatures on the shelves but stopped, couldn't bring myself to do it. somehow if I put them up, its like saying goodbye. remembering the first time i played with raphael and raymond. everytime I played, reminded me of how I felt then, how young I was.
have the chance to run for some people i've never met before, but my heart's not in it. i feel nothing for them.
i wish...i wish i'd just let randy exit my life when he exited the thursday night game. no stupid decisions would have been made, no friends lost. filled with regrets for everything i've done for these people who have forsaken me. trying very, very hard not to take the lesson of safety equaling isolation.