but then

Today was not so bad. Some days are better than others, especially if I've distractions; currently that being Bioshock. Of course I'm sleeping way too much and thinking.
I've caught myself going to message Randy several times now and stopped myself. I've spent all of my live clinging in desperation to those that wish to leave. I can't do it anymore. This decision came to me when I saw a pic of his playing Rockband 3 at Katie's house this last Saturday. He hates that drive, he hates drinking there late, and he's said it so many times. Why the change? Because Randy is doing what he always does, looking out for his own desires.
Both Randy and Katie said they loved me to my face. Fucking bullshit! This whole mess is all of our faults. Katie did call Randy and tried to make him angry at me, because she was mad at me. She fucking said this on the phone! but then,...Randy was the one that got her all upset by telling her that I'd said "I've made my decision about Katie". I did say that, but he didn't know what I meant by it. Next response was Katie's hateful email to the dnd group.
Fuck Al and his cunt wife, I was never worried about losing him as a friend because he's spineless and I've little respect for him. Eric's departure, well...that one kinda stung. Of all of that group, Eric was the least deceitful and his chastisement really made me feel like a heel. but then,...I flat out asked him if I'd ever made him uncomfortable about a week prior to this, and he said no. I even apologized after that and said I hope I don't. the night before Randy's visit, I texted him again and asked if we were still friends. His remark, in retrospect,is full of sarcasm, but it said "why would I stop being your friend?".
Katie will never know how close to danger she actually got. At that moment, I was so livid over her secret loathing of me, that I almost went to social services about her kids.
But then,...I didn't. Not only because of my love for Katie, but because I like her children very much and they seem to be having a dream childhood. I'm not about to screw with that.
and me,...I built myself up to being this bitch full of revenge. All of those things I said I did...lies.

and now I've decided to punish myself and deal with it. it's been suggested I apologize to Katie and try to mend fences. I'm not sure I can. There would always be that doubt that if we indeed did talk again, what was she thinking behind that smile. And Randy, he's pulled his disappearing act too many times on me.

That day, I allowed them to make me feel like I was the worst person in the world. Not anymore. From now on, everyone has to prove how much they can be a friend to me, and not the other way around.

I had my mourning period. Now I'm in Stage 2 - Anger. I was angry writing this, but then,...I'm letting go.