tortured soul

another huge fight with ralph.  this time because he expects me to buy things for him.  it started with a surprise stop at long's bakery, and we got a dozen donuts.  they were on sale, so i had four dollars left in cash (they don't accept cards).  so i gave him the four bucks to get these brownies and he looked at me as if i should have known better....then goes "but, i need cigs"

then, at menards, he kept trying to put things in the cart for me to buy, even when i said no.  i just walked out of the store, and he had the nerve to ask me if i was mad over a dollar.  i screamed that he's not my wife....then drove home in silece.  so shitty that i left the donuts in the car.

then inside, i found out he's been telling chris all kinds of shit like the reason he stole my identity and dvds was that i owed him 30k and was about to kick him out.   sigh.

so it looks like i'm going to have to ask hiim to leave, and i know it's not going to be easy.

in other news, school is kicking my ass.  seems like all i do anymore is homework, eat, sleep and shit.  i keep feeling like i'm only retaining about 40% of the material but getting A's in all the classes. 

through all this though, my sensitivity to art and music has increased.  maybe being a tortured soul is my forte.

dark blister

What the hell have I done?

Two weeks ago, when Chris told me he was going to move out, I panicked and called Ralph.  I broke down and asked him for his help.  Later that night, he disappeared and was no where to be found.  Oh well I thought, best he stay that way.

Then one day after class, he shows up at my house...just walks in because Chris leaves the door open.   Long story short, he's now living with me.  OMG, he's practically taken over by reaaranging everything. He says he's clean, but no one stays up almost 48 hours, doesn't eat for the first half of that and isn't on something.   To make things worse, he's been selling his prescription drugs to pay me money for rent.

Aside from the bullshit, I'm finding I can't stand him anymore, he's.....so shallow and uninteresting.

So what's us gonna do?  For now, all i can do is sit and soak up money to get some things accomplished/fixed.   oh...and there's a dark blister spot on my big toe which has me worried.

lost.

Surrounded by autumn, caressed by chilly winds and thoughts of friends, lovers and things long past. 

I finally saw Randy Saturday.  It wasn't awkward, intense or eventfull, and I'm disappointed it was not.  I was hoping for some revelation that we were still very much good friends, or that some satisfaction was achieved by how they'd treated me.  The closest it got to being mentioned, was by his little girl Jordan. 

She asked why I'd not been over in a very, very long time, and why I wasn't there the night before with Katie.  I didn't offer an answer, and neither did he.  I talked to him a little about the star wars game and he's interested, but in joining my existing game, not something separate.

So, let me get this straight.  I get kicked out of the game I created, with people I kept together when they left or got angry with each other at various times, only to find that Randy took over running DND, the game is on hiatus, and now he want's to join what I scraped together anew?

I sent an email to Scott, DeWayne and John asking about their thoughts on his joining, out of curiosity...of course Scott was against it.  He says it's because of what he knows about Randy and what happened to me, but I"m quite sure it's about his control issues.  There I was, actually considering letting Randy in again, just like that....still compromising myself.

I think I lost that feeling for them, and I'm not sure if I can get it back.

argh

I sat back in my new comfy computer chair today, closed my eyes and just listened to the silence caressing me.  Tiny hairs danced on my arm from the ever spinning ceiling fan; Sophie shifted at my feet.  For the moment, all was peaceful. 

It's been three days since the blow up with Chris and no words.  I was about to post some of the Bullshit but you know what, I'm not.  I refuse to give him any power.

Homework weekend.  Finished my last journal entries for my seminar class, and started working on the two databases.  I've still got to write my persuasive speech, and i've chosen Why you should turn to the darkside"

Slept most of day, which means I'll be up most of the night.  argh. :)  goodtimes.

Got To Go!

I've come to the conclusion that my room mate is either bi polar or schizophrenic.   No Joke.

At first, I noticed that his energy level was so high that he couldn't stop pacing, or he'd lay lethargic like a dead ferret. Then the abuse started.  In retrospect, I now see the signs.  He's tried to alienate me from talking to my friends, deride me for seeing John and attempted to make me doubt my sanity.

Lies started.  He's very vocal about his Bachelor's Degree in Anthropology, but if you look at his resume, or any of his online profiles, like Linked In, it clearly states his highest education level is high school. 

He's volunteered to do things like rip the carpet up from the dining room for free, then later throw it up in my face. He's bragged about his sexual prowess, the size of his cock and then tells me he's felt uncomfortable with my saying anything to him of a gay nature.  Um, yeah.

Things came to a head about a week ago.  We got into an argument with his bringing in non related shit - stating that I needed therapy, and my friends were so stupid that's why they tolerated me.  Then, that he was tired of doing all the work around the house, with my getting the credit. 

WTF?  I asked him about about it and he listed that he's cleaned the bathroom twice, takes the trash out and that he's cleaned his room.  Um...isn't cleaning your own room part of your own shit?  Then he bitched about our having mice, when he leaves plates with food on them, sitting on the floor around his bed. ....whatever.

Then, my mother asks him to do some floor work for her.  We did that last saturday and I didn't hear from her until yesterday.  Not only did he fuck up the job so badly she's having to repay to have it done, he lied right to her face about it when she asked questions.

Since he's been here, my big tv has broke (hes been playing xbox on it at least 8 hrs per day), the door handle on my screen broke (he openly stated it was John, but when I asked john, he said he didn't do it but thought he saw chris throwing in the bushes.  john lies, but not about things like that)...drinking glasses are missing, ....and my dog died in the same room that he was cooking in.

In this arguement, he said he felt like hitting me, then slammed the door as he went to his room.  The next day, he offered for me to take the directv box in his room and put it in mine, since he never watches it, and I couldn't watch my recorded shows. 

Yesterday, after finding out my unemployment was being reduced by forty bucks per week, I asked Chris what his thoughts were on having the gas bill put in his name, so I could avoid a 400 past due bill and get gas on immediately, instead of next week.  He totally flipped stating he wanted to move out, that he was going to sue me for sexual harrassment, and that I needed therapy.  He continued with how he was talking to lawyers, etc.

Crazy is as Crazy does. 

So...after school, my mother wanted to meet me at Steak and Shake.  She told me about how he fucked up the job.  I told her my problems, and she gave me some money to pay the past due amount now.  Just waiting for the balance to clear then I can request it to be turned on again.

I had a star wars game last night and Chris came home, walked straight to his room.  It was obvious to scott that something was wrong, so we talked after the game.

Today, he's pretty much avoided me.  But it's become very clear, he's got to go.  Yes I'm a little afraid right now, but I"m more afraid of giving into that fear and letting him rule.