and it's fall

Another change is here. I was leaving work friday and I actually felt ... connected, to people, to friends and to the world.

Slowly, I've been finding myself again. I don't cry all the time, and I don't notice sleeping alone so much either. I still love Steven very much, but...it's sinking in finally that he wasn't good for me. I still miss his smile sometimes so much though. He was the one for me I'm afraid.

Anyway...good things to come. My roomie is turning out to be a fun guy, I actually love my work, school is exhausting but very satisfying and it's fall.

note to self

You've got the bluest eyes
that I have seen

Lost up in the skies
Caught in a dream

What you whisper to me
And breathe into my veins

And believe in magic
To wash away the stain

And it feels like today
So just hold on tight
And let it slip away

Give me all the weight
That holds you down

Don'’t let it stop
And burn in for the sound

And the world keeps moving
It's all I've ever known

And I know inside that
I'll never be alone

And it feels like today
So just hold on tight
And let it slip away

5:30 am

we talk but don't really say anything anymore. things are changing though. tonight was the first time i'd cried over him in about a week. all was good until i remember how much pain he gave me.

...funny how we forget, even funnier how we cling

Been sort of a transitional week for me. My new roomie Casper has moved in, I've managed somehow to get my finances, school and work in order and there's nothing really horrible looming over my head anymore. So, why can't I sleep?

I've been really motivated to paint/draw lately and I've been doing something almost everynight before I go bed. I keep a sketchbook in there and write or draw some of my deepest feelings. This guy online asked me why I cling to my sadness tonight, how do I explain the only reliable comfort I have is knowing that I'll eventually return to that shadow place?

My friend Cedric wigged out on me when I told him I wanted to come visit. He's worried I'll get hurt if we meet. I'll admit, it's a very likely scenario considering my past...but something is different inside. I think this time, something inside has died. I'm hoping that it's just hibernating.

Fear...it has to be fear. I just can't take anymore heartache for awhile.

Crashing Down

I just found empty lube packs under my bed. This wasn't too much of a surprise as he liked to use it to masturbate. Then I found two safe sex packets between the mattresses, one of them missing a condom pack.

and it all came crashing down.

crashing down

he called me late last wednesday. we talked about things and we're just friends. he asked me if I was the type of person that couldn't be friends with someone if we couldn't be lovers. he said that he's not looking for anyone and he's not dating. he said alot of things.

i've felt better since then, as i've been filled with things to do...and avoiding other things i should have done along time ago.

i can't even remember friday night. saturday morning i talked with cedric for about two hours. if there was anyone i'd consider being with other than steven, it would be him. played vamp with lyndia, brett and jessie that night, then went to the bar.

there's some kind of sexual flirtation going on between me, lyndia and brett and although a little put off by it, i'm also intrigued. i dunno...maybe i'm misreading things.

the bar was fun, I walked right in and saw people I knew. Jeff and Carlos were there, and intro'd me to a few other people. this guy named patrick was all over me but he was a big ole queen. his straight roomie mike was cute though and of course, that's who I concentrated upon. I think I could have had it if I wanted... I just can't. I'm still in love with steven.

so i wake up today with a headache, and then nap most of it away. I started homework way too late and now I might not get done.

as I said before, I was feeling okay this week until now. I made a beef stew and it's the first time since steven left that I actually made dinner - and it got to me that there's no one but me. suddenly, i don't want it anymore.

i'm sitting by my livingroom window watching the light slowly fade and I can't help but cry. this isn't how things were supposed to be. i can't stand this anymore, i keep trying to go on without him but it doesn't seem to get easier, just periods where I forget and then it comes crashing back down upon me.

of good and bad

Good

holding hands while driving that night after seeing V for Vendetta
standing together in grant's backyard while watching the great storm coming
falling asleep together on the couch
when you'd move closer to me in bed and put your feet on mine
falling asleep in my lap while watching Harry Potter
introducing me to your sister as your boyfriend
working together in the studio in silence
singing that pete yorn song to me that day in the car
kissing me goodbye in the morning
eating cereal late at night
listening to your poetry
how you'd nuzzle against my chest when it was chilly

Bad

stop loving me and not having the guts to tell me
leaving early for virginia when you promised one last night
staying out all night
telling me you were coming to bed but sneaking out of the house
making me feel like my emotions were stupid and un called for
shutting yourself down
answering personals from various websites
telling jason that we were just roomies
not touching me and then staying up all night watching porno

and most importantly, giving me hope for a future you knew was just a lie.

6 months

I skipped school tonight and drove around for a bit. The sky was all cold and blue. Rain started to come down, chilling my face.

I woke up crying this morning. I'm not sure if it was a dream that did it, or the instant knowlege that today would have been the six month mark for steven and I. When we met, it was cold like this, but the promise of spring held full like a promise. Now, everything is dying.

It suits my mood.

I want to die too.

what you wanted

He looks like the real thing
He tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love.
But I can’t help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted,
All the time, all the time, ohhh... ohh...

hell

I don’t want anyone else.

I want to be with you, wherever you want to be.

Hell is not having your smile,

your thoughts, your touch,

your laughter, your sorrow.

Are we over? Are we friends? Are we….hoping for something in the future, or letting words comfort us?

Are we…or am I?

I close my eyes and wish I could go back to that night we slept on the couch together. I wish I could wake up, look over and see you laying beside me. I wish I could have hugged you more.

Hell

missing

something's missing from me and I can’t get it back. everywhere I look, I see steven. I often go off by myself and cry. It’s been coming for awhile, but I’m finding it harder to carry on, harder to even consider a future. There is nothing for me anymore.