crashing down

he called me late last wednesday. we talked about things and we're just friends. he asked me if I was the type of person that couldn't be friends with someone if we couldn't be lovers. he said that he's not looking for anyone and he's not dating. he said alot of things.

i've felt better since then, as i've been filled with things to do...and avoiding other things i should have done along time ago.

i can't even remember friday night. saturday morning i talked with cedric for about two hours. if there was anyone i'd consider being with other than steven, it would be him. played vamp with lyndia, brett and jessie that night, then went to the bar.

there's some kind of sexual flirtation going on between me, lyndia and brett and although a little put off by it, i'm also intrigued. i dunno...maybe i'm misreading things.

the bar was fun, I walked right in and saw people I knew. Jeff and Carlos were there, and intro'd me to a few other people. this guy named patrick was all over me but he was a big ole queen. his straight roomie mike was cute though and of course, that's who I concentrated upon. I think I could have had it if I wanted... I just can't. I'm still in love with steven.

so i wake up today with a headache, and then nap most of it away. I started homework way too late and now I might not get done.

as I said before, I was feeling okay this week until now. I made a beef stew and it's the first time since steven left that I actually made dinner - and it got to me that there's no one but me. suddenly, i don't want it anymore.

i'm sitting by my livingroom window watching the light slowly fade and I can't help but cry. this isn't how things were supposed to be. i can't stand this anymore, i keep trying to go on without him but it doesn't seem to get easier, just periods where I forget and then it comes crashing back down upon me.