5:30 am

we talk but don't really say anything anymore. things are changing though. tonight was the first time i'd cried over him in about a week. all was good until i remember how much pain he gave me.

...funny how we forget, even funnier how we cling

Been sort of a transitional week for me. My new roomie Casper has moved in, I've managed somehow to get my finances, school and work in order and there's nothing really horrible looming over my head anymore. So, why can't I sleep?

I've been really motivated to paint/draw lately and I've been doing something almost everynight before I go bed. I keep a sketchbook in there and write or draw some of my deepest feelings. This guy online asked me why I cling to my sadness tonight, how do I explain the only reliable comfort I have is knowing that I'll eventually return to that shadow place?

My friend Cedric wigged out on me when I told him I wanted to come visit. He's worried I'll get hurt if we meet. I'll admit, it's a very likely scenario considering my past...but something is different inside. I think this time, something inside has died. I'm hoping that it's just hibernating.

Fear...it has to be fear. I just can't take anymore heartache for awhile.