missing

I miss him. So very, very much. Everywhere I look I see him. Memories of us. I'm afraid that I won't be able to pull out of this. I've been hiding my feelings from friends and family.

He's my first thought of the morning; my daydream in the afternoon and my last thought before sleep. I really do wish him happiness but I keep returning to why not me? Why am I never to have someone look upon me with such tenderness?

Some guys tell me they'd die to be with me but what does that really mean? Longing from far away does me little good. In the end, it's still me....thinking in the dark. I've been questioning myself lately - about my life, motivations and even how I've interepreted the events of the past few years. It feels as if my entire time with Adam was a dream. And now I have awoken like some lost traveller returning home with no memory. Just the fading touch of a half remembered fairy tale and a longing to return.

I want him back. Even now I have the secret hope that things will not work out and thus realizing his mistake, he'll come rushing back to me. To his home.

I can't deny reality though. In his personal he states that there was nothing in Indy keeping him here except this job, and relationship wise...it wasn't comparable to the treasure he'd found. It hurts me that our entire time together meant so little.

I saw pictures of them together and Adam looked so very much in love. That burning image; it's what made me realize he didn't love me the way I needed. I don't remember him looking on me with such intensity. I don't think anyone ever has.

I just miss him. So very, very much.