alone

He's gone. Nothing I did could stop him from going. He left on a Friday to meet this guy and didn't come home until the following Monday night.

I tried to keep myself occupied, tried not to call him, tried not to panic. I saw it in his eyes when he returned; it was over.

The details are so surrealistically blurry over the next few days. Each minute detail has been examined repeatedly until they're practically burned out of my memory. Last tuesday night I saw pics of them together. The sexual ones bothered me but in one pic....they were kissing and the way adam was looking at him. He'd never looked at me like that before.

I asked him to leave the next morning and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm still questioning myself if he'd stayed, would we have had a chance. He tells me no...that he would have left in a couple of weeks anyway. Maybe that's true.

My heart tells me things weren't that bad, it tells me that there is still love there, and it tells me that I've probably just lost not only the best boyfriend I've ever had, but my best friend too.

My life is so empty without him. My every thought is on him in some way whether it's a song we've heard, a movie together or place visited. God I'm still in love with him and I just need it to end.

I know things get better with time, and I know things are better a little bit already, but I'm not sure I want to move on. I want to curl up and die. I don't know if I can do this.

My heart is broken.