in the end 2
I think I'm losing my boyfriend. I see all the signs. Amusingly, I'm the orchestrater of this little symphony.
I didn't want to get hurt again, so I thought having an open relationship would allow me to keep sane and keep my emotional distance from him. I thought if he sleeps with people under controlled conditions, I'll never get used to the idea of forever (silly thing to hope for still, but I can't help it) and thusly be hurt when, not if, he leaves. You see, they always leave in the end.
Six months have come and gone. I'm a bit sickened that my attraction to him is increased when I see others lusting after him. He's a very, very sweet guy and there's no doubt I love him. It just doesn't feel quite so reciprocated - not how I need.
Perhaps I'm too needy. Nah, I'm really independent....always on the lookout for someone attempting to usurp my freedoms and/or money. Maybe I'm only needy when it's convenient for me. My stomach turns at that thought. Am I one of those people that I detest?
So far, I've not slept with anyone but Adam. He's been with two others. I'm confident that he's told me the truth as he's never been anything but totally honest. This is why I'm feeling a bit guilty. I've told him it's okay to sleep with others, then when he shows any kind of interest besides sexual, it disturbs me.
He's talking to a guy now long distance. For several days now, he's been secluding himself outside for conversations that last several hours. He tells me that it's because they have alot in common. If so, why is it necessary to chat over the internet cam with their shirts off?
It just doesn't feel right. I'm even considering just ending it myself to prevent further heartache.
I won't ask him to stop talking to this guy, eventhough Adam inquired if that's what I wanted. I just don't want to be somebody that does that. It's a freedom thing. I don't want to tell him it's okay and then make him feel guilty about it. I just don't know how to handle this.
I've resolved myself to just let it go; tell myself that it's a phase. That he's young and experimenting. That at least I have him in some fashion.
There. That proves it, I'm settling...just like I did with John.
and just like John, he'll leave in the end 2.
I didn't want to get hurt again, so I thought having an open relationship would allow me to keep sane and keep my emotional distance from him. I thought if he sleeps with people under controlled conditions, I'll never get used to the idea of forever (silly thing to hope for still, but I can't help it) and thusly be hurt when, not if, he leaves. You see, they always leave in the end.
Six months have come and gone. I'm a bit sickened that my attraction to him is increased when I see others lusting after him. He's a very, very sweet guy and there's no doubt I love him. It just doesn't feel quite so reciprocated - not how I need.
Perhaps I'm too needy. Nah, I'm really independent....always on the lookout for someone attempting to usurp my freedoms and/or money. Maybe I'm only needy when it's convenient for me. My stomach turns at that thought. Am I one of those people that I detest?
So far, I've not slept with anyone but Adam. He's been with two others. I'm confident that he's told me the truth as he's never been anything but totally honest. This is why I'm feeling a bit guilty. I've told him it's okay to sleep with others, then when he shows any kind of interest besides sexual, it disturbs me.
He's talking to a guy now long distance. For several days now, he's been secluding himself outside for conversations that last several hours. He tells me that it's because they have alot in common. If so, why is it necessary to chat over the internet cam with their shirts off?
It just doesn't feel right. I'm even considering just ending it myself to prevent further heartache.
I won't ask him to stop talking to this guy, eventhough Adam inquired if that's what I wanted. I just don't want to be somebody that does that. It's a freedom thing. I don't want to tell him it's okay and then make him feel guilty about it. I just don't know how to handle this.
I've resolved myself to just let it go; tell myself that it's a phase. That he's young and experimenting. That at least I have him in some fashion.
There. That proves it, I'm settling...just like I did with John.
and just like John, he'll leave in the end 2.
posted by Robbie at
7:00 PM
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