Friday, December 30, 2011

sleep comes down.

"must have been asleep for days".....the cure

I think i've been awake a total of 10 hours since tuesday.  The guys came over and created characters, and we're trying to play on sundays so katie can play.  I hope it works out, just miss her smiled and fiendish pixieishness.

John's wife has been out of town all week, and he came over to watch Columbiana Christmas day.  Midway through the movie, it stopped so I tried burning it as a regular dvd.  While waiting, I started rubbing on john's nether parts, and he came. much for my sorta scheduled event.   I don't know why i initate sex with him, then want to quite because i'm not into it.   I don't really feel like i'm into sex at all anymore.  Most of time, I just immerse myself in music and 'feeling' .....something.

I've had too much time to think while on this break from school.  It's really sank in how alone, .....scratch, utterly alone we really are.  My mother is selfish and will never be there for me.   I don't have anyone special in my life....and then i started worrying what if something happens to me, what about sophie.   argh.

I'm having to reteach myself basic algebra so that I can at least qualify to take the intermediate class.  I've got 18 lessons that need completed by next tuesday at 5:30. 

I feel so friggin huge.   maybe I should go back to sleep.

Sunday, December 25, 2011


it's been a year of loss, and a year of discovery.

I lost my dear shadow this year.  She was fourteen and my sweet, sweet little baby.  I remember how she fit in my palm the night we rescued her.  I had to feed her with a bottle and keep her close to my heart for warmth.  Her death affected  me diffferently than Euks....not less, just differently.

I lost one of my best friends this year.  We just drifted apart it seems, or maybe the friendship couldn't take the pressure of uncontrolled emotions, or maybe it was just our differences could no longer be hidden.

I also lost something I held very dear...My dungeons and dragons interest.  It took eight months before I could even plaly again.  Had to be with completely new people.  It's still not the same as when I was younger, and that I miss the most.

I'm feeling really, really old and just tired.  I'm feeling the weight of the world upon me, and although I fear death...somedays I can think of nothing more.

I discovered that I can go back to school, and do  reasonably well.  I also discovered that I can let go of anger, that I can say no....and that I am allowed to take revenge on dirty little lying faggots that hurt me many years ago.

I also realized how selflish everyone really is, especially my mother. She lies to herself, twists things so that the responsibility falls on other people, then removes herself from situations.  I pray so much that I'm not nor will be like her. 

and I discovered that all things pass. A tiny part stays with you, but things pass.  and most importantly, when you are empty, that makes room for something new.

Saturday, December 24, 2011  and I"m feeling good.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

put to the test

Long, quiet weekend.  I must confess, that I sorta miss Ralph....or rather, miss having someone to do something with.  Chris and I really don't have much in common and without Ralph to bitch about, I'm finding I'm not really interested in anything he has to say.  It's all excuses or rationalizations anyway.

Here it is, nine months after the explosion with friends and things haven't changed much.  I drove all the way to Randy's house a few months ago, only to watch a movie and not talk very much.  Sitting there, I felt the distance between us, and was actually glad when I found an oppurtunity to exit.  Katie though, was pleasant when we met at Steak and Shake.  Alas, not really heard form either of them except for the occasional tweet.

Last night, I asked a simple question concerning the future of our friendships, gaming....etc.  No answer was given by Randy, but in and of itself, it was the answer I thought.  Honestly, if we're not gaming, or drinking....what have we ever done together?   Katie's promised to do something after Christmas...

So, without negativity, it's become obvious that I'm holding on to strings.

Another mini semester of school is ending.  I didn't apply myself as much as I should.  I'd like to provide excuses but ulimately, I was lazy.  My money worries have mostly gone away, just waiting to see what the government is going to do about the federal extension.  Because I had to reapply due to my working last March, i'm still on the regular unemployment offered by the state.  If the extension is given, I'm sure it'll last until I'm done with school.

I've got the first part of my A+ certification test wednesday morning.  So far, most of my class has passed, and i'm afraid, unrationally of course, that I'll be the fluke and fail it.  It doesn't affect my grade at all, and I can retake the test the next day....but I fear failing.   My ability to retain knowledge and learn fairly quickly without much effort is being put to the test. 

My mother is moving in with my grandmother.  I think it's a bad idea...but we'll see.

Saturday, December 03, 2011


Ah.  Things finally came to  head with the roommate situation tonight.  In essence, raphael is gone....but some of his stuff is still on my porch.

Since he moved in October 17th, he's slowly been trying to take over and get me to kick out my other roommate Chris.  I'd called Ralph the day Chris and I got into a huge fight and he threatened to move out on me. I did ask Ralph for help, but when I called him after class, he was no where to be found.  I figured I was safe, realizing the mistake I'd made.

Then one day, a few weeks later, Ralph just walked up in my house.  He needed a place to stay and as things were better with Chris, they were still iffy.  He stayed a few days while I mulled the idea over and must confess, I was impressed that he was into cleaning my house adamantly.  It wasn't until after I'd agreed to his staying here, the adamant became obsessive compulsive.

I'm ashamed to say that Ralph was selling his Sumoxone (a drug given to opiate addicts to help them get off the stuff) for rent.  Many, many nights there I sat on a darkened street while he ran into some house.  When I found out he was selling drugs, I stopped.
Little conversations were being carried between everyone.  Ralph's voluntarily making my bed, doing my laundry and cleaning turned into his telling Chris that I did nothing and used him like a maid.  I'd get maybe $100 rent one week, but then my food bill increased because Ralph ate more than me.  Or I agreed to take him to the doctor to find it was all the way at 56th street, followed by his offering to 'buy' me food from a fast food place (which was really him getting free food by complaining that a previous and nonexisting order was messed up), and finally with him expecting me to buy cigarettes too.

This last month has been hell with the holidays approaching.  What I blew off at first, started getting to me.  Then the major shit started; Chris told me thing Ralph said that rang with truth, otherwise he wouldn't have known. Ralph's also been telling people I was his man.

Ralph asked Chris to leave me dry and both of them move into this house down the street.   Ralph started wearing drag clothes around the house to try and entice Chris.  ...was even laying on the couch in a teddy with pink panties when Chris's girlfriend came over.

Then...Ralph has been giving me stupid little gifts, trumpting up how much they cost because he's expecting jewelery for Christmas.  Um...yeah.  So yesterday, Ralph has a thuggy black guy and a drunken ass white guy over to my house with asking, then asked the white guy to work on my car as part of my christmas gift.  The guy replaced an air filter and Ralph said he was paying the guy 50 bucks and a case of beer.  oho...later last night, I was to buy the case of beer. lol

so....around 2am, Chris tells me Ralph is gone and the front door was open.  After telling him to lock the dead bolt, I felt a little guilty and then went to sleep on the couch in case he came back.  At seven this morning, I woke up and he still wasnt home and no phone call.

This afternoon, I was looking for a dvd I'd gotten from Netflix and went on the porch to look for it.  I discovered that my portable dvd player he was using, (btw, he insisted on making the front porch his bedroom) was missing, and I found empty condom packages.

He called around 4pm to say he'd be home in an hour, was at the hospital.  I'd decided that if he couldn't produce the dvd player, he was out, but he said he'd taken it with him.

He shows up around 6 with a ton of clothes, mcdonalds and whooops, left my $100 backlit keyboard in his ride's car.  (I've been told about the keyboard and how much it cost for a week now, but something always seems to happen).  He's in a mood, talking non stop.  I interrupted to tell him not to leave like that again and leave the door unlocked.  Ralph turned it into Chris's fault, or rather tried....and they started arguing.

Ralph was trying to provoke Chris into hitting him.  My door to the computer room is broken, and shouts of crackhead, liar, thief, worthless...wear dancing in the air.  Apparently Raphael claimed he called Chris's old job at Radio Shack and said he was fired.  That was creepy.

Then...after a few minutes of my tuning them out, Chris threatens to call the cops.  Ralph looks at me, and goes "Rob, either you kick him out ... tonight, or I"m going to turn on you with the stuff I've got in this little book"


"Let me get this right, you're threatening me?" I asked in the dead tone I get when you've just stepped way over the line.  And he was ignorant enough to confirm it, and even add. 

I looked him dead in the face and said "I need you to leave".  His face crashed like the windshield of a horrible drunk driving crash.. 

He then called his lowlife stepfather, the one who Ralph threatened to turn into the IRS just two weeks ago, and told him to come get him.  That I was kicking him out like he knew I would, and that I was 'letting' Chris talk to him like shit. 

Then...reality set in a bit.  He started crying.  This only pissed me off further, and I started separating his clothes from mine in the laundry room so he wouldn't take any of mine. 

He comes in sniffling, and asks me if that's what I'm doing.  He whispers "You're killing me", to which I replied..."Not fast enough"

I locked him on the front porch with all of his stuff, and then went to sit alone for a bit.  He eventually just left the porch to go down the street and try calling me.  He left a message that his stepfather couldn't come to get him because he was drinking (imagine) and he needed a ride to his mom's.  lol.

I told Chris to lock the deadbolt.

So, raphael will have to arrange a time to get his clothes when it's convenient for me.  And i'm putting them in the yard.. 

There's a sated little evil thing inside of me, that's reveling in the revenge for what he's done to me.  He's now had a taste of what life without drugs is, and has been expelled from my eden.  I hope this drives him to do crack and die.

I'm feeling ..... released.