I

I miss adam more and steven less than I tell people
I feel nothing for john but everyone thinks I still do
I want things to work with scott, but he's toxic
I wanted Dale to leave
I don't think I'll ever find someone for myself
I lied to Cedric and told him I felt something
I think Xandrah lies
I've been told I'm emotionless and cold
I'm whoring myself out as a friend to Steve so I can get my roof fixed cheaper
I wanted randy to leave tobey for so long, now I wish things were like they were

Unlike you....I'm not pretending.

...

I'm on my knees
Only memories
are left for me to hold

Don't know how
But I'll get by
Slowly pull myself together

How?
I'll get through this)

There's no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space

(How?)

Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

(How?)

I feel the cold
Loneliness unfolds
Like from another world

Come what may
I won't fade away
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space

Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?

Nothing can bring me peace
I've lost everything

I just want to feel your embrace

I love you

disenchanted

i'm tired of performing. it's getting so hard to keep things floating, to keep things from exploding. it's so tiring I can't even put it in words.

Everyone feels like a stranger. I call steven and I know his voice, but not the person using them. I try and pull up memories from that time. Did I seal them away? Even John, whom I saw last thursday, doesn't feel familiar.

I'm getting more isolated as I get older; less tolerant of everything. Cedric hasn't called in nearly a week, and for the most part, I think it was a right decision. He didn't listen to me. I tried telling him that I couldn't invest emotion in worthless pursuits anymore....but he made me go there. He was insistent on saying he loved me. No matter how much he'd protest, I know what I heard, and understand how it was meant. it's ruined.

I didn't go to school again yesterday, and I cancelled vampire at the last minute. i told them that I've got too much on my plate, and that's true...just not the complete truth. I'm feeling the need to cocoon myself again. Immerse myself, reinventing myself again.

I didn't go to randy's birthday dinner either, and that killed me. I wasn't feeling well and slept until nearly eight. I had prior plans to take scott to the grocery but they got delayed because of my nap. So I took him, and Randy called while i was walking through the store. I didn't answer the phone. I really don't know why.

I'm not bitter.

I'm disenchanted.

bitter

"bitter"; it was said repeatedly. How is that I could seem so cold to others and wail silently?

I've been in contact with Steven, and with each I hoped some new sense of calm would show...I was just left feeling empty, like the conversation was forced. I'm not sure what to say anymore. I've gotten over worst memories, but I think I still resent his never fully comprehending how much he took from me.

News arrived today that Randy's job, the supervisor job that he got at Nelnet which I felt should have been mine, is in jeopardy. Karma? Something I wished for long ago....take it away.

I've refrained from writing about Cedric as I know he reads this. I've been having really mixed feelings. I want to trust that he's genuine, and that we really do have some connection...but how can that be when he's with someone else? I let down my defenses when he said he loved me, and then asked me if I loved him. Oh how I didn't want to, but I did. And with that revelation, I knew he's broken me down.

I started thinking about him in the most odd of moments, wondering what he would say, do, think about whatever was ocurring. It's all rhetoric now anyway. I can't stop the feeling that he's playing games. I've seen this all before with Andy. I am not going to be someone's backburner again.

Scott's car broke down Wednesday, and just when I was going to ask him to move out or pay more money. Now he's dependent on me for anything he needs from the store. I can't stand his mood swings and petty vindictiveness. And each time he whines, I find myself fantasizing how my hands would fit around the fat of his neck.

My D&D game is on hold, possibly disintegrating due to Randy's departure and my apparent promotion at work. A promotion I might add that has been happening for almost 3 months. It seems as if everything is a hassle or requires more energy than it's worth.

I think I'm getting depressed again.

people

(scott)
Oh life is bigger
It's bigger than you!
And you are not me!

(jay)
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

(sandrah)
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spot-light
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough

(randy)
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

(cedric)
Every whisper
Of Every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep
An eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

(steven)
Consider this
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip
That brought me to my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

(adam)
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
But that was just a dream
Try
Cry
Why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream
Just a dream
Dream