bitter

"bitter"; it was said repeatedly. How is that I could seem so cold to others and wail silently?

I've been in contact with Steven, and with each I hoped some new sense of calm would show...I was just left feeling empty, like the conversation was forced. I'm not sure what to say anymore. I've gotten over worst memories, but I think I still resent his never fully comprehending how much he took from me.

News arrived today that Randy's job, the supervisor job that he got at Nelnet which I felt should have been mine, is in jeopardy. Karma? Something I wished for long ago....take it away.

I've refrained from writing about Cedric as I know he reads this. I've been having really mixed feelings. I want to trust that he's genuine, and that we really do have some connection...but how can that be when he's with someone else? I let down my defenses when he said he loved me, and then asked me if I loved him. Oh how I didn't want to, but I did. And with that revelation, I knew he's broken me down.

I started thinking about him in the most odd of moments, wondering what he would say, do, think about whatever was ocurring. It's all rhetoric now anyway. I can't stop the feeling that he's playing games. I've seen this all before with Andy. I am not going to be someone's backburner again.

Scott's car broke down Wednesday, and just when I was going to ask him to move out or pay more money. Now he's dependent on me for anything he needs from the store. I can't stand his mood swings and petty vindictiveness. And each time he whines, I find myself fantasizing how my hands would fit around the fat of his neck.

My D&D game is on hold, possibly disintegrating due to Randy's departure and my apparent promotion at work. A promotion I might add that has been happening for almost 3 months. It seems as if everything is a hassle or requires more energy than it's worth.

I think I'm getting depressed again.