disenchanted

i'm tired of performing. it's getting so hard to keep things floating, to keep things from exploding. it's so tiring I can't even put it in words.

Everyone feels like a stranger. I call steven and I know his voice, but not the person using them. I try and pull up memories from that time. Did I seal them away? Even John, whom I saw last thursday, doesn't feel familiar.

I'm getting more isolated as I get older; less tolerant of everything. Cedric hasn't called in nearly a week, and for the most part, I think it was a right decision. He didn't listen to me. I tried telling him that I couldn't invest emotion in worthless pursuits anymore....but he made me go there. He was insistent on saying he loved me. No matter how much he'd protest, I know what I heard, and understand how it was meant. it's ruined.

I didn't go to school again yesterday, and I cancelled vampire at the last minute. i told them that I've got too much on my plate, and that's true...just not the complete truth. I'm feeling the need to cocoon myself again. Immerse myself, reinventing myself again.

I didn't go to randy's birthday dinner either, and that killed me. I wasn't feeling well and slept until nearly eight. I had prior plans to take scott to the grocery but they got delayed because of my nap. So I took him, and Randy called while i was walking through the store. I didn't answer the phone. I really don't know why.

I'm not bitter.

I'm disenchanted.