living again

have I been spouting eloquent lies? or has my intensity been lost? ten years ago, I would be dying from an obsessive love, stomach in turmoil, unable to breathe. Now, it's replaced by a sense of detached sadness at what can't be.

I had dinner and saw a movie with Randy yesterday. As I sat across from him, it was obvious how damaged he was, how all of us are. Is that the price of wisdom?

my stress level is going through the roof. work is really getting to me, I'm finding myself not wanting to stay as long. this entire supervisor thing has me both envious and dejected. do I want this, can I handle this....is this good for me? there's not doubt I need the money, but I just think most of the people around me are idiots.

I can only stand scott in small doses, and dread having to explain things to him. He's just not getting it. He doesn't listen and he asks questions that aren't pertinent to the situation. It's getting closer to asking for more money. It's been discussed but he's not offered more. It's not fair that he should be living so cheaply while I bear the brunt of the expenses. Occasionally doing my laundry and the dishes won't cut it.

I called Steven tonight after he gave me his phone number. I was so filled with anxiety when I heard his voice. I wondered what I'd have to say. Is it all reassurances that I'm okay and over it? Am I hoping that he's not?

School starts soon and I'm welcoming the escape; especially the excuse to have something to do. I want to start painting again.

I want to start living again.

just a feeling.

have I become jaded and bitter? Nothing or no one seems to impress me anymore. It's like I've seen or done it before. Even this .... weakness for Randy is tired and played out. At best, I'm mildly amused, but I'm finding that people really....just don't mean that much.

Ofcourse there are exceptions, for exceptional people. Katie having been the most recent to really touch something inside. I have so much respect and admiration for her...she's just, phenominal in her childlike innocense and feminine mystique. I went to see Stardust with her last Friday, and I openly cried in front of her without feeling the need to hide it. The last time I let someone see me cry was when steven was leaving.

Ironically, the anniversary of his departure is this Friday. I find comfort that any residual sadness over him, or anyone else actually, is over. I haven't felt this calm in almost four years.

I think something good is about to happen.

just a feeling.

moments like this

confusion sets in. must I always desire that which can never be? and why, just as I'm choosing my next direction, hints of that which can't be is given so freely?

Another party, another heartbreak. Surrounded by a mealstorm of conflicting and poignant events, somehow I'm feeling rather detached and calm. I've always found how amazing driving at night, or sitting quietly with someone can provoke moments of absolute honesty.

in one of these moments, and before I realized myself, I said it. "Yeah, I've been in love with randy for nearly ten years now". His strained face looked up at me and responded, "Has it been ten years? Yeah, you're right, it has"

I can still feel his hands on my shoulders, on my neck....rubbing. Oh if he knew what he did. If any of them did.

Steven emailed me, and I responded. I check email everyday but nothing has been returned. Jay is starting to get worried about my attentions, I see it in his eyes and it makes me feel like a monster. I saw the same thing in the eyes of all the boys at the party. How monstrous am I, the court jester?

I wish someone were here to hold me in moments like this. I need to drown in someone.