moments like this

confusion sets in. must I always desire that which can never be? and why, just as I'm choosing my next direction, hints of that which can't be is given so freely?

Another party, another heartbreak. Surrounded by a mealstorm of conflicting and poignant events, somehow I'm feeling rather detached and calm. I've always found how amazing driving at night, or sitting quietly with someone can provoke moments of absolute honesty.

in one of these moments, and before I realized myself, I said it. "Yeah, I've been in love with randy for nearly ten years now". His strained face looked up at me and responded, "Has it been ten years? Yeah, you're right, it has"

I can still feel his hands on my shoulders, on my neck....rubbing. Oh if he knew what he did. If any of them did.

Steven emailed me, and I responded. I check email everyday but nothing has been returned. Jay is starting to get worried about my attentions, I see it in his eyes and it makes me feel like a monster. I saw the same thing in the eyes of all the boys at the party. How monstrous am I, the court jester?

I wish someone were here to hold me in moments like this. I need to drown in someone.