living again

have I been spouting eloquent lies? or has my intensity been lost? ten years ago, I would be dying from an obsessive love, stomach in turmoil, unable to breathe. Now, it's replaced by a sense of detached sadness at what can't be.

I had dinner and saw a movie with Randy yesterday. As I sat across from him, it was obvious how damaged he was, how all of us are. Is that the price of wisdom?

my stress level is going through the roof. work is really getting to me, I'm finding myself not wanting to stay as long. this entire supervisor thing has me both envious and dejected. do I want this, can I handle this....is this good for me? there's not doubt I need the money, but I just think most of the people around me are idiots.

I can only stand scott in small doses, and dread having to explain things to him. He's just not getting it. He doesn't listen and he asks questions that aren't pertinent to the situation. It's getting closer to asking for more money. It's been discussed but he's not offered more. It's not fair that he should be living so cheaply while I bear the brunt of the expenses. Occasionally doing my laundry and the dishes won't cut it.

I called Steven tonight after he gave me his phone number. I was so filled with anxiety when I heard his voice. I wondered what I'd have to say. Is it all reassurances that I'm okay and over it? Am I hoping that he's not?

School starts soon and I'm welcoming the escape; especially the excuse to have something to do. I want to start painting again.

I want to start living again.