my heart has been slowly breaking over the past month. each time I think i've reached a threshold, some new emotion rips through me. maybe an act of self kindness, maybe an act of self destruction, but I think I killed it myself tonight.
for the longest time, i've felt steven withdrawing from me. the intimacy became shallow, then almost forced. with each new betrayal, my heart tightened around him. lies upon lies where shoveled over me like one would fertilize a garden. all seeking to disorient or placate me.
steven left last night shortly after I fell asleep, knowing that he was waiting for me to....somehow I didn't really care anymore. waking up alone, as i have been doing more frequently, i survey my empty house and loced the doors. he still wasn't home when i left for work, nor was he here when i got home.
when he did come home, his gait was sure and somehow assanine. as if he knew no guilt nor shame. as if he didn't care about anyone else in the world. as if i had the nerve to be surprised about it.
words fell out of my mouth uncontrollably, words i never should nor thought i would ever mutter. i told him that i'd rather him smoke crack in my house than to stay out all night. then i told him that the reasoning was because i want him to stay.
i actually said he could do that around me to keep him here. to keep a boyfriend that won't even touch me during sex. a boyfriend that either sleeps on the edge of the bed away from me. a boyfriend that hasn't acted like a boyfriend since almost the beginning.
i sat, playing on my computer when he came to me with a request. he wanted to smoke it then watch a porno in front of me. ...and i agreed.
he even requested that i record it on my computer.
i did it.
and as we lay naked together, how my thoughts ran like cascading rain. he never touched me, and only looked at me twice.
afterwards, he went to go get more. we then took a drive around the city as he sang songs. his voice, once that of an angel, was now shrill and degrading. fantasies ran through my mind of dropping him off on some blackened street, or reaching over and strangling him. then we got caught in a traffic jam.
i found out he lied about his friend's brother dying. he said that just to cover up his being gone when i got home last saturday night around 3am. and i told him the one thing that hurts the m ost. he makes me feel ugly. he cut me off shortly with one of his professions about his past. i never get to express myself and here he was, sitting next to me and complaining about how I over explain myself. maybe it's just words he doesn't want to hear.
he then smoked a rock in my car on the highway. what have i done?
we're home now and i'm sitting in the living room alone, and in the dark. i'm sure he's wanting me to go to sleep so he can jerk off again, go get some more, jerk off again...etc.
...and i'm reminded, not once did he look at me. nor does he have any pics of me on his computer. i feel so alone, and i'm saddened because of it's familiarity.
he's supposed to leave in 10 days. has he smoked up all his money, will he steal from me? will the feelings i'm having now change tomorrow and i'll want him to stay again? i just wish that someone would love me the way i've loved.
i've never felt special to anyone and i'm not sure i ever will.
steven isn't leaving indiana, he's leaving the lie that was US.