honesty at the end.

Whatever happens i'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for?

I imagine death feels this way. There is no joy, no laughter, no feeling what so ever. He is gone, and though sweet promises of how we'll see each other again were rained upon me, experience overwhelms my aching heart.

My anxiety has slowly been building all week. I thought we'd reached a place of honesty. He was confiding in me more, he was loving me more. Or I thought....

Last night, I was left alone as he rambled through his papers, anticipating his departure. I went to the bedroom early and lay in the dark thinking of how I'll handle the next day. I awoke around 1am and he was still up. I walked into the dining room and there he was, in my kitchen with his back to me. I just stared....and he let out an exhalation of smoke.
"Busted" he said.

He hugged me and said how sorry he was, and with the usual promises of coming to bed soon, I just left him there in his own delusion. I tried to sleep, and I must have as the next time I saw the clock, it was 4:30.

He was in the living room watching porn, all night. He didn't want to come to bed, and he promised that he'd spend the entire last night with me.

He was still up when I left for work. Crying in traffic isn't a good thing, I advise against it.

I came home, unsure of what to do. I had dreams of going out to a nice restaurant, of buying us matching digital cameras so we could send pics to each other. Instead, he was sweating heavily, not hungry and still loading his SUV.

I waited. And I waited some more.... I took a shower and put on the last bit of Angel, just in case. God I'm so pathetic.

When he was done...he told me he wanted to leave tonight. I couldn't move, I just sat there and stared at him. And then he asked me to cash his check. ....and even more then, as I went off telling him how it was like seeing him for the first time, how selfish he is, he said he was upset I didn't help him pack his truck.

and then, I laughed.

I feel like a fool. I feel so used and alone. I have no friends to turn to, I have nothing and I have no one.

As we parted, he told me he still wants to see and talk with me. That he'd send me money from Virginia. Lies......

I asked him if he loved me. He said yes, but he's not in love with me.

and here it is, at the end....honesty.