a lullaby for something lost, and something gained

share my cup
tie me up
never apart
break my heart

go to sleep
wound me deep
be at peace
make me bleed

do not harm
twist my arm
lie with grace
smash my face

hiss the ground
drag me down
stop the noise
smash my toys

how does it feel without your drugs?
sing you a lullaby
how does it feel without my love?
sing you a lullaby

letting moments pass.

I'm floating in disappointment. I held my friend Randy in high esteem and he, like so many others, lied to me.

I'd let him stay here a few nights after he decided that he was going to leave his wife. He asked if the girl he was falling for could come over and I'd said no. When he asked again, it was because he'd decided to break things off with her. I went to bed believing him.

This last saturday, in a drunken game of confession, he admitted having sex with her in my house that night. Later I'd found he'd invited her over earlier that week during the day without permission. Words wouldn't come out of my mouth, I didn't know what to say. Like Andy, he turned out being one of those righteous assholes cloaked in self lies.

I've been having nightmares about Steven lately. I can't seem to sleep peacefully with these visions of him with other guys. I know I should let go, but I'm not built that way. I'm going to be alone soon as my current roomie, a big ass pothead, is moving out because I'm not accomodating enough. I guess getting upset that he smoked weed all the time, is very controlling and rude has nothing to do with it. I think I'm ready to be alone.

I did meet this wonderful illusion online though. Oh how beautiful this one. I find myself just looking at his pics and imagining how his skin feels, how he tastes. I envision myself, arms around him, smothered in kisses and blanketed in my thoughts. This one is dangerous.

The semester is nearly half over and not soon enough. I'm grateful for it's occupying my time though. I feel guilty most for letting moments pass.

perfect moments

Well, I thought the tears were over. I knew, as I wrote those words, it was coming around again. God, why can’t I get him out of my thoughts? I keep telling myself that he wasn’t happy here, or with me. I keep telling myself that he’s in a better place; I keep telling myself a lot of things. I feel so empty most of the time, like some vital part has been ripped from me and placed on display.

Those little reminders of him are not coming as often and there are moments, albeit brief, where I feel really good. It’s just those little memory flashes, so vivid and imposing as they assume control. There can be no doubt as to his intentions, but yet here I am still, crying over something that will never be.

I feel really estranged from everyone. I’m so busy that I can’t and don’t feel like visiting my grandmother but thoughts of her passing make me feel incredibly guilty. I know I should spend more time with her, but I’m so, so tired and being around her is very draining. As for my mother, I’m 35 and still feel like I’m being judged when I speak with her. I’ve no friends that are real, they’re just facsimiles of people I used to like and trust. The ones I do see daily seem to only be evasive or nuisances like Casper.

I’m sitting here in my neon lit cubicle, remembering that night before my birthday – driving after the movie while holding hands with him. We said nothing, just letting the hum of the motor and our touch communicate our words. That was one of the most perfect moments of my life.

colder

my nights are so long now. I don't notice sleeping alone anymore. I don't notice cooking for only myself and I really don't notice that when I curl up to a pillow, and there's no heat but mine.

I sent an email to Steven telling what I've secretly been wishing since he left. There's been no reply. Maybe that's reply in itself.

Everyone is a fragment of me.

Something's diiferent with my friend Cedric. When I got my school money, I wanted to visit him. I thought we had this cosmic connection thing going on, but all the while he was talking to alot of other guys and eventually went to go visit one. Now that he's back, I find it more difficult to be as open with him. I guess I had hoped more would happen between us.

This stands out more because I've met this other guy, and he's even further away. We had this incredible conversation Friday night - 6 hours. Oh man...he was hot.

I haven't spoken to him since.

I no longer cry when I think about Steven. Rather, there aren't any visible tears - the whether has grown colder, and so have I.

autumn's here

I was driving to work Wednesday morning, the highway turned to face the east and I witnessed the most amazing sunrise. Just as I turned, the first tip of the sun crested and a solid beam seemed to shine only on me.

Work and school, although hard, has been really good since Steven's departure. In a way, it was very comforting keeping busy. More than mere words, I really have forgiven him. Oh how I wished things would have been different.

Scott came to get some of his things today. I met his boyfriend, who isn't as bad looking as I thought. Casper, my new roomie, was ofcourse rude and unsociable. I always seem to live with freaks.

Last night, just as I was about to go to bed, I checked this chat site I go to, and on a whim, started talking to this guy. We talked until four this morning, and I couldn't stop - just watching him. Beautiful beyond belief, but he radiates...thoughtfulness, intelligence and sincerity. I think another detour is coming.

Autumn's here, so is my rebirth.

gee

My close friend Randy has decided to leave his wife. He’s spent the last two nights at my house to do some thinking – now he’s going to tell her tonight. I wish I could hug her and tell her the world isn’t ending, but I know for right now….it is, and she needs to feel it is ending.

Made an ass out of myself with some friends. I took continuous flirting as serious…well, now that’s awkward

Haven’t been wanting to work, sitting here now about to go insane. I’m so tired all of the time and feel like I don’t have any personal time. I’ve even gone to the bathroom just to be away from my roomie and his dogs.

Right now, I'm missing talking with my friend from phoenix - it's been over two weeks.

I think tonight, I’ll try to paint something.

again

...it's here.

I found myself
again....
brisk, thin air brings the tingles
to my face
chills, arm hairs standing

my eyes close, breathing in the morning air
fall is here

I found myself again.