letting moments pass.

I'm floating in disappointment. I held my friend Randy in high esteem and he, like so many others, lied to me.

I'd let him stay here a few nights after he decided that he was going to leave his wife. He asked if the girl he was falling for could come over and I'd said no. When he asked again, it was because he'd decided to break things off with her. I went to bed believing him.

This last saturday, in a drunken game of confession, he admitted having sex with her in my house that night. Later I'd found he'd invited her over earlier that week during the day without permission. Words wouldn't come out of my mouth, I didn't know what to say. Like Andy, he turned out being one of those righteous assholes cloaked in self lies.

I've been having nightmares about Steven lately. I can't seem to sleep peacefully with these visions of him with other guys. I know I should let go, but I'm not built that way. I'm going to be alone soon as my current roomie, a big ass pothead, is moving out because I'm not accomodating enough. I guess getting upset that he smoked weed all the time, is very controlling and rude has nothing to do with it. I think I'm ready to be alone.

I did meet this wonderful illusion online though. Oh how beautiful this one. I find myself just looking at his pics and imagining how his skin feels, how he tastes. I envision myself, arms around him, smothered in kisses and blanketed in my thoughts. This one is dangerous.

The semester is nearly half over and not soon enough. I'm grateful for it's occupying my time though. I feel guilty most for letting moments pass.