what should I do?

time is moving strangely. seems like so much time is spent alone, nothing but the glare of the screen to light my way.

steven called me while I was in class wednesday. he left a message telling me that he was on his way to nevada and was currently in missouri. we've spoken briefly since then.

he should be there by now, and i'm hoping he gets the help he needs.

met a few new people online, but none of them really get my attention. there's still the thought of cedric though.

god, I don't know what to do. most of me wants to wait on steven, but that tiny part tells me to stop being silly. it's that same voice i always hear, telling me to play it safe, not to do anything cause i'll get hurt.

spent about two and a half hours talking to cedric. oh, how intoxicating he is. like an exotic chocolate, sweet to my lips. what is this i'm feeling? hope? there's definitely an attraction, there always has been.

i'm somehow able to be comfortable with him. god he's incredible. i'm so torn. i still love steven, but i started letting go along time ago, when I saw the storm coming. i kept cedric in the backe of my mind, now allowing myself to think too much about it. but now, after talking to him tonight, i have butterflies in my stomach.

what should I do?

the storm

At times I’m so filled with calm, then the storm comes, rushing over me, flooding. I just can’t get the vision of him sitting in my green chair, rocking and that flashing smile.

This is really hurting me, moreso than Adam because I thought we had this incredible connection. I loved his darkness, it somehow made mine not so lonely. When I was with him, I forgot my pain. Now that he’s gone, it’s come back seven fold.

I go to work, smile and pretend that nothing is wrong. I talk to my friends and tell them what they want to hear, how angry I am and how much I’m glad he’s gone. I’m not sure I can do this much longer. I’m not sure if I can go on.

There’s just been too many birds picking at my soul.

honesty at the end.

Whatever happens i'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for?

I imagine death feels this way. There is no joy, no laughter, no feeling what so ever. He is gone, and though sweet promises of how we'll see each other again were rained upon me, experience overwhelms my aching heart.

My anxiety has slowly been building all week. I thought we'd reached a place of honesty. He was confiding in me more, he was loving me more. Or I thought....

Last night, I was left alone as he rambled through his papers, anticipating his departure. I went to the bedroom early and lay in the dark thinking of how I'll handle the next day. I awoke around 1am and he was still up. I walked into the dining room and there he was, in my kitchen with his back to me. I just stared....and he let out an exhalation of smoke.
"Busted" he said.

He hugged me and said how sorry he was, and with the usual promises of coming to bed soon, I just left him there in his own delusion. I tried to sleep, and I must have as the next time I saw the clock, it was 4:30.

He was in the living room watching porn, all night. He didn't want to come to bed, and he promised that he'd spend the entire last night with me.

He was still up when I left for work. Crying in traffic isn't a good thing, I advise against it.

I came home, unsure of what to do. I had dreams of going out to a nice restaurant, of buying us matching digital cameras so we could send pics to each other. Instead, he was sweating heavily, not hungry and still loading his SUV.

I waited. And I waited some more.... I took a shower and put on the last bit of Angel, just in case. God I'm so pathetic.

When he was done...he told me he wanted to leave tonight. I couldn't move, I just sat there and stared at him. And then he asked me to cash his check. ....and even more then, as I went off telling him how it was like seeing him for the first time, how selfish he is, he said he was upset I didn't help him pack his truck.

and then, I laughed.

I feel like a fool. I feel so used and alone. I have no friends to turn to, I have nothing and I have no one.

As we parted, he told me he still wants to see and talk with me. That he'd send me money from Virginia. Lies......

I asked him if he loved me. He said yes, but he's not in love with me.

and here it is, at the end....honesty.

the lie that is US

my heart has been slowly breaking over the past month. each time I think i've reached a threshold, some new emotion rips through me. maybe an act of self kindness, maybe an act of self destruction, but I think I killed it myself tonight.

for the longest time, i've felt steven withdrawing from me. the intimacy became shallow, then almost forced. with each new betrayal, my heart tightened around him. lies upon lies where shoveled over me like one would fertilize a garden. all seeking to disorient or placate me.

steven left last night shortly after I fell asleep, knowing that he was waiting for me to....somehow I didn't really care anymore. waking up alone, as i have been doing more frequently, i survey my empty house and loced the doors. he still wasn't home when i left for work, nor was he here when i got home.

when he did come home, his gait was sure and somehow assanine. as if he knew no guilt nor shame. as if he didn't care about anyone else in the world. as if i had the nerve to be surprised about it.

words fell out of my mouth uncontrollably, words i never should nor thought i would ever mutter. i told him that i'd rather him smoke crack in my house than to stay out all night. then i told him that the reasoning was because i want him to stay.

i actually said he could do that around me to keep him here. to keep a boyfriend that won't even touch me during sex. a boyfriend that either sleeps on the edge of the bed away from me. a boyfriend that hasn't acted like a boyfriend since almost the beginning.

i sat, playing on my computer when he came to me with a request. he wanted to smoke it then watch a porno in front of me. ...and i agreed.

he even requested that i record it on my computer.

i did it.

....

and as we lay naked together, how my thoughts ran like cascading rain. he never touched me, and only looked at me twice.

afterwards, he went to go get more. we then took a drive around the city as he sang songs. his voice, once that of an angel, was now shrill and degrading. fantasies ran through my mind of dropping him off on some blackened street, or reaching over and strangling him. then we got caught in a traffic jam.

i found out he lied about his friend's brother dying. he said that just to cover up his being gone when i got home last saturday night around 3am. and i told him the one thing that hurts the m ost. he makes me feel ugly. he cut me off shortly with one of his professions about his past. i never get to express myself and here he was, sitting next to me and complaining about how I over explain myself. maybe it's just words he doesn't want to hear.

he then smoked a rock in my car on the highway. what have i done?

we're home now and i'm sitting in the living room alone, and in the dark. i'm sure he's wanting me to go to sleep so he can jerk off again, go get some more, jerk off again...etc.

...and i'm reminded, not once did he look at me. nor does he have any pics of me on his computer. i feel so alone, and i'm saddened because of it's familiarity.

he's supposed to leave in 10 days. has he smoked up all his money, will he steal from me? will the feelings i'm having now change tomorrow and i'll want him to stay again? i just wish that someone would love me the way i've loved.

i've never felt special to anyone and i'm not sure i ever will.

steven isn't leaving indiana, he's leaving the lie that was US.

just slightly out of reach

The curtain's a sea anemone,
in the way it sways to the slow breeze
I lie spread out on the floor
looking at these things
and most of them are yours
And it's so nice sitting very still
without those old shoes I could never fill
Starfish with its arms out in a daze
staring at the stars
through an ocean haze
Was I one you wished upon?
Burned out like a lightbulb
when you turned me on
And it's so nice
sleeping here all alone
with my ashtray and
white courtesy telephone
Now I'm making out the shapes
like the shower rod - can it take my weight?
I will tell you I am fine
I got some news, friend, feels like I'm dying
Turtle on its back in the desert sea
and you look like a cool drink
just slightly out of reach
Draw myself into the shell
waiting on a sign from god
or a nod from hell
And it's so nice
sitting very still
without those old shoes
I could never fill
Now we're turning on the lights
It's the first day of my second life
Take my name off of the lease
You can even keep the name
it never suited me

truth

Now I know the truth

For how much longer can I howl into this wind?
For how much longer
Can I cry like this?
A thousand wasted hours a day
Just to feel my heart for a second
A thousand hours just thrown away
Just to feel my heart for a second

For how much longer can I howl into this wind?