limbo

Everyone thinks I'm okay. And most of the time they're right.

After Adam left, I changed. I went to Chicago and hooked up with this guy I'd only met online. I came home one thursday and then drove to a hotel where this guy was staying just for sex. And then I started sleeping with John again.

John is married and has a five month old son. I'm doing the same thing that someone did to me and I feel sick inside about it. Well, it's more complex than that. Somehow I feel more connected to John than his wife as we were together six years and I've known him since 1994. Still though, it's not right that I don't really care about what I'm doing....and the fact that I don't feel guilty, makes me feel guilty.

Day after day I get up, go to work, come home....try to kill time until the weekend. Everyday I am constantly reminded ofAdam's absence.

He's my first thought in the morning, my dream during the day and my last sigh before sleep. The intense sadness is over, even the tears are over. Now it's just a dull ache.

Although yesterday, I was shopping and this song by Blink 182 came on. I started crying. I'm even crying now as I think about it. I keep thinking about how he sang that song to me in the parking lot of Burlington.

I miss him.

til I find someone new

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind...

My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

One Month

One month

I've relearned how to sleep alone,
how to smile again,
take some time just for me,
allow myself to dream again,
accept that he's gone,
deal with sorrow,
reconcile my version with the truth,
forgive both he and I for deeds done and imagined,
and to keep the good memories closer than the bad.

One Month Today

transition

Everyday is a little better than before, especially if you spend it getting away from yourself.
Jason and I went to Chicago this weekend for market days. I'd heard about it a couple of years back from someone that lived there and finally made it.

Yes I couldn't afford it and yes it was a hasty decision, but I still went. There is this guy named Mark that I'd been wanting to meet for a couple of years. He first emailed me on some personals site and we'd maybe talked three or four times but never anything direct. He's a cutie, but partnered so little to no prospects in that department.

It was amazing. The first time I was there I was overwhelmed and saw very little of the city. We stayed at the Days Inn close to Lincoln Park. I even rode the bus - first time in nearly 15 years. That was an experience.

Market days is an annual event that's in Boystown - gay part of Chicago. There was wall to wall people and all them so interesting. We ran into some people we both knew and some we'd only seen online. The big event for me though was finally meeting Mark at Touche's.

We got there around midnight and as there was a line, we went next door to The Jackhammer. I got some looks, I think....I'm never too sure about that. After one drink, we went and stood in the line to get into Touche's. Jason met up with his friend Ben and they went back to Jack's because they wanted to get their drink on.

I waited maybe 20 more minutes and finally got in. It wasn't as crowded as I thought but still alot of people. I know I definitely got some looks in there as it's a bear/chubby bar. Quickly scanning the front, I went to the back. There was Mark amongst a crowd of people but more specifically talking to some older, big guy.

I introduced myself and we hugged. Oh he smelt and felt so good. His beard is perfect and his eyes so soft and sensitive. He was a bit distracted by the other guy and I wasn't having it. I took my shirt off and that cemented his attentions.

We left the bar and then took the subway back up Clark St. Immediately I started kissing on him playing out some Risky Business fantasy on the redline. At the hotel, we took a shower and then played a bit on the bed. Heh, he video tapped us and took some pics. I felt oddly self-concious yet turned on about how he reacted to me. And then I started thinking about Adam and tried very hard not too.

His friend Patrick came back with someone so we had to conclude our interlude, heh...never got to use that word before. I took a cab home feeling kinda playfully sexy and amused.

Jason and Ben came in later and a bit buzzed. It was hard sleeping as there was no fan and my babies weren't laying against me.

We decided to leave the next day early. Jason is becoming a really good friend to me. More and more I find myself thinking about him. It's too bad that he and his partner of six years just broke up. I love them both.

After making it home, we talked a bit and watched Closer. It brought out some emotions I'd tried to bury about this whole breakup thing. Then the finale of Queer as Folk really set me over. There have been so many endings this past month - Breaking up with Adam, Steven moving out, and the end of summer.

I still miss Adam so very much. That boy got under my defense some how. I wish things could have been different....I still hope that he'll come back. It's like I'm sad and happy at the same time. It boils under the surface.

I start my new job tomorrow at Anthem insurance. It's close to my house but still kinda downtown. I'm nervous yet hopeful about it.

After several chapters are ending, maybe this is the beginning of something new for me.

and so it is

There's still a storm raging inside of me though on the surface I am calm. Everything seems to be in transition; including myself.

I've been in email contact with Adam, things appear to be going very well for him. On some level, I'm happy...but there's also that hope things aren't a they seem. I want to remain friends with him at least, but it hurts me so much when I hear about how well things are going between them. I'm sure what to do. Real friends wouldn't request that emails be edited right?

I guess I still hope that some day when he's more experienced, he'll be in my life again. Even typing it seems romantically foolish and naive. John was the love of my life, but Adam was supposed to be the one. I wanted to grow older with him. When he left, he took a piece of me. I'm not sure if I'll ever get it back.

I've been in contact with John again. He's married and has a five month old boy. His wife is making the same mistakes I made by trying to keep him on a short leash. I wish I could tell her that she's gonna lose him that way. He's already talking about leaving her. Knowing John, it's probably untrue anyway. Can't really trust a guy that will cheat on his wife with his ex gay lover...twice. I feel like a hypocrite by sleeping with him as it was done to me long ago.

At first it was just breakup sex, something to help me get over Adam and make it official. Then when he came back around, I was looking at him differently. Oh there's something still there, but being true to myself, I need to stop it. It's nice being around him though.

I have no real friends that I've known more than two years. There's so much about me that they don't know or won't comprehend, but John does. Things happen for a reason, and my heart says not to shut John out. I hope he's not born of my missing Adam.

I'm pretty sure he's doing drugs again with this guy. How else can I explain the whirlwind romance and subsequent openness with their love. I know he's going to get hurt and there's nothing I can do about it except wait, and be there if he needs me. Oh God I'm still in love with him. He thinks it was purely sexual.

If he only knew how deeply I felt/still feel. I've put away everything that reminds me of him but I see him everywhere. I reach out for him at night and realize he's not there. I'm even sleeping with one of his tshirts he left behind because it smells like him. I'll never get him back and it's killing me.

I've tried going out and keeping my mind off of it. I've even let my guard down a bit and placed myself in some shady situations at the bars. I'm smiling but everyone can see my heart is broken.