limbo

Everyone thinks I'm okay. And most of the time they're right.

After Adam left, I changed. I went to Chicago and hooked up with this guy I'd only met online. I came home one thursday and then drove to a hotel where this guy was staying just for sex. And then I started sleeping with John again.

John is married and has a five month old son. I'm doing the same thing that someone did to me and I feel sick inside about it. Well, it's more complex than that. Somehow I feel more connected to John than his wife as we were together six years and I've known him since 1994. Still though, it's not right that I don't really care about what I'm doing....and the fact that I don't feel guilty, makes me feel guilty.

Day after day I get up, go to work, come home....try to kill time until the weekend. Everyday I am constantly reminded ofAdam's absence.

He's my first thought in the morning, my dream during the day and my last sigh before sleep. The intense sadness is over, even the tears are over. Now it's just a dull ache.

Although yesterday, I was shopping and this song by Blink 182 came on. I started crying. I'm even crying now as I think about it. I keep thinking about how he sang that song to me in the parking lot of Burlington.

I miss him.