and so it is

There's still a storm raging inside of me though on the surface I am calm. Everything seems to be in transition; including myself.

I've been in email contact with Adam, things appear to be going very well for him. On some level, I'm happy...but there's also that hope things aren't a they seem. I want to remain friends with him at least, but it hurts me so much when I hear about how well things are going between them. I'm sure what to do. Real friends wouldn't request that emails be edited right?

I guess I still hope that some day when he's more experienced, he'll be in my life again. Even typing it seems romantically foolish and naive. John was the love of my life, but Adam was supposed to be the one. I wanted to grow older with him. When he left, he took a piece of me. I'm not sure if I'll ever get it back.

I've been in contact with John again. He's married and has a five month old boy. His wife is making the same mistakes I made by trying to keep him on a short leash. I wish I could tell her that she's gonna lose him that way. He's already talking about leaving her. Knowing John, it's probably untrue anyway. Can't really trust a guy that will cheat on his wife with his ex gay lover...twice. I feel like a hypocrite by sleeping with him as it was done to me long ago.

At first it was just breakup sex, something to help me get over Adam and make it official. Then when he came back around, I was looking at him differently. Oh there's something still there, but being true to myself, I need to stop it. It's nice being around him though.

I have no real friends that I've known more than two years. There's so much about me that they don't know or won't comprehend, but John does. Things happen for a reason, and my heart says not to shut John out. I hope he's not born of my missing Adam.

I'm pretty sure he's doing drugs again with this guy. How else can I explain the whirlwind romance and subsequent openness with their love. I know he's going to get hurt and there's nothing I can do about it except wait, and be there if he needs me. Oh God I'm still in love with him. He thinks it was purely sexual.

If he only knew how deeply I felt/still feel. I've put away everything that reminds me of him but I see him everywhere. I reach out for him at night and realize he's not there. I'm even sleeping with one of his tshirts he left behind because it smells like him. I'll never get him back and it's killing me.

I've tried going out and keeping my mind off of it. I've even let my guard down a bit and placed myself in some shady situations at the bars. I'm smiling but everyone can see my heart is broken.