Day - 14

Wrench in plans:

Due to inept and worries of lawsuits, my DR has postponed the surgery until May 15th.  I needed clearance from my Cardiologist to stop taking my blood thinners and if they'd just requested it by end of March (my six month approval date), this would have been no problem.

But, as it seems, both they and my primary doctor refused to assume responsibility and release me.  I drove all the way to Greenwood at 6am, in the rain, last Friday to have this cleared.  I saw several people and had been told I was cleared for surgery.

This is not the first time they gave misinformation.  A few months prior, I needed some blood tests and when I arrived, the DR hadn't signed all of them as needed.  I had to come back.

I am so frustrated with this entire process.  I only had enough real food to last until Wednesday and blew 67 bucks on drugs I won't need for two more weeks.  I'm having to buy some now just to last until I get my check on the 3rd.  I might not even have enough gas for the dialysis trip, much less greenwood again on thursday morning.

I need to take a break from life for a bit.

Day - 3

Day minus 3

I've been hesitant to discuss a large, life changing event forthcoming because I didn't want to jinx it.  On May 1st, I am having the gastric sleeve bariatric surgery at St Francis in greenwood.

It's been a grueling six month approval process.  I've had to detail every meal, monitor fluid intake and deal with the hassles of seasonal weather, disrupted medications and the loss of my anchor John.

Here it is though, final approval was granted yesterday.  I was nervous because the last hurdle was a consult with my cardiologist.  I had no worries my body was fine, just the bureaucracy.  My last cardi spec left the state, as had the two previous and there was no one willing to release me from temporarily pausing my blood thinners.  Think lawsuits more of a concern than my happiness.

Anywho, since March of 2018, I have lost 116 lbs, stabilized my blood pressure and become more self dependent (not all by choice).  John left me high and dry, .... again and there were days I struggled with anger, subpar nutrition and stress.  Depression is a constant battle with some days not even wanting to leave the bed.   Thankful for my furbabies that they require attention and to be let out.  

I'm to check in at 8:30am with surgery being at 10:30am.  Release to be the next day.

The aftermath is a bit scary.  I won't be able to eat anything but clear liquids for two weeks.  There's a whole schedule and everything, not to mention lots of drugs.

Day minus 3, and this is my gift to myself.

46 & 2

Birthday spent in reflection.

Truths: John didn't contact me, Joe did :(, and Eric was too evasive.  Randy still sending me messages about the Cure song "Pictures of you" and my mother just sent a text message.

Greatest love came from my furbabies...

My bariatric surgery is scheduled for may 1st.  As it gets closer, I'm getting anxious.  How will life be afterwards?  Sad but one of the major reasons for doing it is to cut down on my food bill. 

Joe sent me a message asking when I'd 'communicate' with him...Ijust blocked and deleted him.

I miss D&D but not enough

see

Strange days.  Three weeks since I've spoken to John...and it mostly feels like the right thing to do.  There is so much anger for how things were allowed to happen.  I keep waiting for the whole 'new girlfriend' thing to happen with Eric.

My bariatric tests are all complete. I just have to wait for insurance to approve and a date to be set.  I'm getting a bit nervous about  the whole thing - complications.  The second the dr said the odds are very slim, I just knew I'd fall in that category....as I usually have.

Finished watching Eureka and missing the character Jack Carter.  I want a goofy guy like that.  Eric is close but I'm so afraid of opening myself up to him.  I don't think I could take the pain again. 

Randy messaged me a few weeks ago saying he was dancing to the cure's Pictures of you"  Now the little fucker has me thinking about the past again.  Not too surprising as Eric and I are reduced to sexting due to his exhausting schedule with all the theater jobs.  I miss having a best friend, why do I always have to complicate things with emotion?

I remember first meeting Randy.  He showed up at the house on keystone to pick me up.  Raymond had just called me to say how cute he was and I was hoping to disapprove.  Sure he was a little too clean cut for my taste, but when those deep brown eyes smiled at me, I melted.  Oh if he only knew how beautiful I find his eyes.

Anyway, he's married to a woman I can't stand and doing the whole daddy thing again.  He hurt me too many times by just dropping me when I needed friends more than anything.  I'd lost my job, then my d&d group and finally my foot slash dreams of a normal life.

But you make the best of what you can.   My life is simple now.  Still though,...