and so this is christmas

This is my second Christmas alone and housebound.  Only saw John today as he brought me a plate of food; still not feeling like I want to see him after  he asked me for money a few days ago.

I said no ultimately, but then I felt guilty.  Then I got mad over feeling guilty; finally angrier for being mad after all these years.  I should know better.

I broke down and tried calling Randy a few weeks back - no answer and no call back.  I'm somehow glad that he's .... gone.  Time to move on.

My new friends are young, and still in that experimental phase where life is still new and uncharted. They still desire long, late night talks about feelings and dealing with life.  I find my enthusiasm for both sharing and wanting to know things about other people diminished.

I should be ashamed for what you've done to me
It's only happened because I let it be
But no more

You are not wrong, you who believe
Your will defines your destiny
But if you act in selfish fear
Then the truth means nothing

You are not wrong if you perceive
The message veiled in mystery
But if we bury what we dream
We're left with what remains

There is no vision that we surrender
Breathless time can take no prisoners
My avatar, I call you to return
And the cycle is fulfilled

I'm taking back my love, taking back my pride
Taking back my dreams and my life
This is the ground I will defend
A rage of angels bears the end

I'm takin back my hope, taking back my goals
Taking back my memories and my soul
This brand is forged to my crusade
Quicksilver, the future belongs to the brave

You are not wrong if you believe
Perception works its alchemy
And I become the phoenix once again
Transforming destiny

We brace before the fates descending
With resolution never ending
As Nike stands her shield before me
Sophia guide my hand

There is no vision that we surrender
Breathless time can take no prisoners
My avatar, I call you to return
And the cycle is fulfilled

I feel the wish fire burning cold
Black wings to fill the sky unfold
And nothing takes from God his storm
See the angels' eyes transform

I'm taking back my love, taking back my pride
Taking back my dreams and my life
This is the ground I will defend
A rage of angels bears the end

I'm takin back my hope, taking back my goals
Taking back my memories and my soul
This brand is forged to my crusade
Quicksilver, the future belongs to the brave

Within

Seems like I've been dreaming really intensely as of late.

Feeling really clear about who I am and reconciling my past, but just when I reach a calmness, I remember treachery and I get angry all over again.  Most of my friends are newly acquired now; and I am very hesitant letting them like I did Katie and Randy.

Fuck...they kept saying I was aloof, ....guarded and afraid to let them know me.  Then when I did, ...well, the past is over, and they no longer have a part in my story.

I'm not in love, nor am I in pain.  Things seem rather tranquil.

Peace within, peace without.