and so this is christmas

This is my second Christmas alone and housebound.  Only saw John today as he brought me a plate of food; still not feeling like I want to see him after  he asked me for money a few days ago.

I said no ultimately, but then I felt guilty.  Then I got mad over feeling guilty; finally angrier for being mad after all these years.  I should know better.

I broke down and tried calling Randy a few weeks back - no answer and no call back.  I'm somehow glad that he's .... gone.  Time to move on.

My new friends are young, and still in that experimental phase where life is still new and uncharted. They still desire long, late night talks about feelings and dealing with life.  I find my enthusiasm for both sharing and wanting to know things about other people diminished.