not a bad thing.

it may be too early, or perhaps I want it so badly, but as I sat across from him saturday night, there were no pangs of anguish, no cast away looks. And on my way home, no breathless moments of quiet reflection; it was just the rain, the wind and me.

Another holiday hell has passed and I've been the recipient of many epiphanies.

I have friends that love me, regardless of how much I try to disprove it.
I like being on the outside
We make our own hell
and I really am this old, with lots of memories that go with it.
...and it's not a bad thing.

want it to be

I guess it's over now.
I think we've seen the end.
When our common dream.
Faltered in the between.
Though i've tried so hard to make it real.
It doesn't matter now.
I guess it never did.

and it's alright,
alright,
alright with me.
and it's alright if that's how you want it to be.

I've learned through weakness
and through the web of your lies.
That everyday I live, another piece of me dies.

And in the black and white.
I found a need to move on,
to find a road of gold - a throne to live upon

If there's a reason for the pain then let me know.
If i'm the reason for your pain then let me go.

and it's alright,
alright,
alright with me.
and it's alright if that's how you want it to be

atmosphere

bitterly cold and isolated. I go from heated frustration to sleepy contemplation.

Randy's girlfriend was out of town this weekend and I thought I'd have randy to hang with, but I spent the week alone anyway. First he than katie stands me up. The week was spent watching movies and drinking lots of tea. I'm reintroduced to online chat rooms. So Saturday comes, and with Angie's return, he suddenly wants me to come to the pub. The kenneth cycle all over again?

John has been mumbling about leaving his wife, and I have even asked myself how I feel. I really don't believe him anyway so putting thought in the matter would be useless.

Randy and I had an intense conversation tuesday during lunch. I had no idea he was so conflicted on personal issues. I also wish I could put it down in writing but I guess someone reading this, someone without any real life, could use it. God I wish they would just move on

I guess everything is so black and white for him .- all or nothing. I promised him that I'd back him, but secretly...i'm torn by his impending departure. what do I do now?

five minutes

how do we fixate, how do me covet?

His smile chases away the stormclouds, his eyes bring the rain. I actually said that to him.

In that awful moment where fate was decided, he stood just out of reach as icy rain fell on his face. His dark eyes caught the glare of a random streetlight, and grinning, he said "and it's those five minutes that dictate our lives."

my lessons unlearned, wisdom cast aside, ... I wanted him. oh how it aches in my core. I know better. and yet, I fly directly into that flame.

It's for the best. It's hard to say if those five minutes are worth it, when everytime it happens, I lose someone.

I can't lose him. He's all I have left besides my girls.

he

"he'll get you, he will never understand. he'll never get you, you can find a better man"