used

another late night in shadow. though this time, It's by choice.

we had our company cookout friday. I'd scrambled to write our department's skit and have it look like we rehearsed. We actually did pretty well. All the boys played basketball and I was pretty successful in not sitting by, oggiling them as they ran in shorts.

Several times jay came and sat by me, all sweaty with bright eyes and a quick smiled. Oh if he know how he shined in my eyes. I have to keep thoughts like that out of my head. I have to.

Cedric and I finally had 'the talk'. How can I describe it other than how I took it? Bascially, he's now ready to move to Indy. After three years of talking, years of declaration of feelings, he's finally ready to move to indy....after his relationship in florida is ending .

Yeah. His current guy told him it's not going to work, and cedric called me a week ago hinting at that. He was busy or always leaving when I'd call. My being a priorty really ranked high. So he wants to come here, have his own bedroom, not be introduced as my boyfriend and still have sex with me, but wants freedom to be with other guys. In a time past, I would have said yes.

something keeps me from doing it now. I think it's called self respect.

spaking of...adam called me today, said he was going shopping and wanted to say hey. Yeah, call me after two weeks once you get back with your boyfriend, then call me when you're away from him. God I'm such a welcome mat! Or I have been.

so, here in the dark, I feel lonliness. But it's better than feeling used.

further

the roar of the highway filters in through my open windows. even after midnight, engines rush to some unknown destination, in such hurry.

i can''t sleep. the pressure of so many things going wrong as of late has me feeling removed. my car, my roof, my central air, school, friends, etc. i'm finding it harder to even care. cedric left mme a message a week back and hinted that his relationship was in its last stages. he said he wanted to talk to me about my saying he could come here.

i have mixed feelings about it. most importantly, am i ready? i like him very much, but you see, something's changed since he was here last november. i'm falling for jay. even as I write his name, my stomach gets all nervy and tight ; my heart beats faster in nervous response.

steve and i hardly hang out anymore. he's preoccupied with cleaning up his relationship with his wife and family. i gather his mother's side is fed up and not including him in functions. combineed with money woes, he's all gun ho about getting back with her. i doubt his sincerity.

randy has been drinking alot lately and very moody when he does drink. i see the signs coming on that.

adam, back with his bf, hasn't called me in 2 weeks. yeah, i'm done on that shit too. as for steven morris, was he even really here? did he contribute anything at all....or did he just take?

yeah, i'm in a dark place right now. everyone and everything means so little.

the further away I get from the things I care about, the less I care about how much further away I get.