used

another late night in shadow. though this time, It's by choice.

we had our company cookout friday. I'd scrambled to write our department's skit and have it look like we rehearsed. We actually did pretty well. All the boys played basketball and I was pretty successful in not sitting by, oggiling them as they ran in shorts.

Several times jay came and sat by me, all sweaty with bright eyes and a quick smiled. Oh if he know how he shined in my eyes. I have to keep thoughts like that out of my head. I have to.

Cedric and I finally had 'the talk'. How can I describe it other than how I took it? Bascially, he's now ready to move to Indy. After three years of talking, years of declaration of feelings, he's finally ready to move to indy....after his relationship in florida is ending .

Yeah. His current guy told him it's not going to work, and cedric called me a week ago hinting at that. He was busy or always leaving when I'd call. My being a priorty really ranked high. So he wants to come here, have his own bedroom, not be introduced as my boyfriend and still have sex with me, but wants freedom to be with other guys. In a time past, I would have said yes.

something keeps me from doing it now. I think it's called self respect.

spaking of...adam called me today, said he was going shopping and wanted to say hey. Yeah, call me after two weeks once you get back with your boyfriend, then call me when you're away from him. God I'm such a welcome mat! Or I have been.

so, here in the dark, I feel lonliness. But it's better than feeling used.