certain truths

I said goodbye to cedric this morning. My heart is breaking because of it.

The doubts are just too much and I have to face certain truths. He is not leaving his boyfriend, and if he does, it won't be for me. We've talked nearly three years and ... omg, I can't believe how much I care for him. I just can't do this anymore.

He came to visit a few weeks back, and no one knows, but I gave him about 175 bucks. Out of a two week road trip, he spent two nights with me and the rest with what I guess is a list of guys on his blog. Sounds like I'm trying to convince myself I've done the correct thing.

Still. He never talks about me on his blog but would ask that I write about him. He says he loves me frequently but then talks to me in those 'get away moments' like John did. Maybe that's the catalyst and i'm projecting. Whatever the case, I see all these signs and I promised myself, never again.

"robbie: e - can't pretend anymore. you have boyfriend you're not leaving. I don't believe that ricky knows the extent of what you do, or that he doesn't care. I don't believe i'm the only one. You never write about me on your blog cept minimal reference. I'm sorry, but this all sends up red flags that you're being deceptive. I can't just be your friend, and I can't stand this longing. When and if you're in a position to have a real life relationship, get me then. goodbye"

His reply,

"Alright"

december

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December

This is my snow covered home

This is my December

This is me alone

And I,
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I,
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And I,
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I,
Take back all the things that I said to you

And I'd give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I,
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I,
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And I,
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I,
Take back all the things that I said to you

And I'd give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

to be found

it seems so strange that I've lived and experienced this much and yet still feel so....undone. I'm missing so many. So much of my life was spent under the influence of Raymond and Raphael; my friendships pale in comparison.

I miss that instant understanding we had, that history, that shared experience. My friends are all straight, living straight lives, and though they may try to get it, they never will. Even those that did share in my life seem so far away.

John has joined my game and I sat last friday looking at him. How alien he seemed to me. He's married now and has a child. Something he promised me years ago. So I was studying him, and I found myself thinking...what in the hell was I attracted to? And I ask myself what is it that makes me want Cedric so much.

It's not something specific, it's just....when I think of him, I dissolve. it's a bit disorienting actually. As much as I need to just let him go, I find I can't. The memory of his touch, his body against mine is too fresh. I hear his voice and I'm lost. I'm sure I want to be found.

Indeed. It's nearly 2am and I'm hoping he'll message me even now.