to be found

it seems so strange that I've lived and experienced this much and yet still feel so....undone. I'm missing so many. So much of my life was spent under the influence of Raymond and Raphael; my friendships pale in comparison.

I miss that instant understanding we had, that history, that shared experience. My friends are all straight, living straight lives, and though they may try to get it, they never will. Even those that did share in my life seem so far away.

John has joined my game and I sat last friday looking at him. How alien he seemed to me. He's married now and has a child. Something he promised me years ago. So I was studying him, and I found myself thinking...what in the hell was I attracted to? And I ask myself what is it that makes me want Cedric so much.

It's not something specific, it's just....when I think of him, I dissolve. it's a bit disorienting actually. As much as I need to just let him go, I find I can't. The memory of his touch, his body against mine is too fresh. I hear his voice and I'm lost. I'm sure I want to be found.

Indeed. It's nearly 2am and I'm hoping he'll message me even now.