certain truths

I said goodbye to cedric this morning. My heart is breaking because of it.

The doubts are just too much and I have to face certain truths. He is not leaving his boyfriend, and if he does, it won't be for me. We've talked nearly three years and ... omg, I can't believe how much I care for him. I just can't do this anymore.

He came to visit a few weeks back, and no one knows, but I gave him about 175 bucks. Out of a two week road trip, he spent two nights with me and the rest with what I guess is a list of guys on his blog. Sounds like I'm trying to convince myself I've done the correct thing.

Still. He never talks about me on his blog but would ask that I write about him. He says he loves me frequently but then talks to me in those 'get away moments' like John did. Maybe that's the catalyst and i'm projecting. Whatever the case, I see all these signs and I promised myself, never again.

"robbie: e - can't pretend anymore. you have boyfriend you're not leaving. I don't believe that ricky knows the extent of what you do, or that he doesn't care. I don't believe i'm the only one. You never write about me on your blog cept minimal reference. I'm sorry, but this all sends up red flags that you're being deceptive. I can't just be your friend, and I can't stand this longing. When and if you're in a position to have a real life relationship, get me then. goodbye"

His reply,

"Alright"