and I fell

This is what I wanted, this is right.....isn't it?

If so, why do I feel ... set free?

Cedric and I have been doing this dance for nearly three years now. It's started to get more intense with both of us inching closer to that point where everything changes. Earlier this year,

Cedric said those three words I can never seem to believe.
I allowed myself to fall again. But it didn't happen then, it happened last night. I've written that I think he's a game player...and he is, but he didn't know it. I think he does now though. Or least he realizes some of the things he, ... we've been doing.

My pain wouldn't let me forget that he was involved with someone. Cedric insisted that his boyfriend knew, but I can't bring myself to believe that...because how could he allow it to continue? So I distanced myself, which was easy after I confessed my feelings for him in return.

He's a persistant little bugger though. Even knowing it was him calling, my breath would still catch when I heard that voice, that resonance filled expulsion of thoughtful words. He commented that i'm poetic and profound, I wonder what he would think if I told him I need my muse.

In desperation, I called him and it was all right again. I'm so confused by him, always hot and cold. Words flow from him like hot summer rain but then I find out i'm not the only one the sky cries upon. I'm not jealous in the classical sense. I've just never been someone's special guy and it hurts to play second best. I can't do it anymore.

Then Sunday, he told me he wanted to meet me in person, and that I should have a mail package soon. In the same conversation, he asked me what I would do in his place. And I said...the truth. I told him if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't be talking to other guys they way he does.

...he took it to heart.

Last night he told me he was backing off a bit, to allow himself to "work". Irony is, I broke then. I said earlier I fell.

I sat trembling as I opened his pacakage, trying to slow myself. The cd enclosed was pretty ordinary, but his note....a sample of his writing. Then I noticed a silver glint from the top. There was the cross symbol in keychain form that he has tattooed on his chest. The symbol when he explained means helping people.

I opened his note and inhaled him. I was holding something that he held, and it was then that I fell.

Now, he's backing off....and in grand tradition of all that is me, I want more.