in the year he's been gone.

so many times I hesitated before leaping, and then leapt anyway. He looked at me with those dark eyes, so full of pain and I weapt because nothing I could do would help. Such a childish little game, but I played anyway. And when the dare came, it was not unexpected. I made the sarcastic comment, as was expected....and as he stood, lifting his shirt, I hesitated yet again.

and then I leapt. I can't not forget the warmth of him, the soft brush of his hair against my face, tickling my nose. I breathed him in...knowing that is the closest I will ever get. Knowing that by doing it, I was doomed.

I drove in the dark, entranced by the moon and feeling the rush of wind upon my flushed face. How I hoped when I got home, that sleep would erase the night. Erase the moon it did, but not the memory of his eyes burning into me. I'm trying really hard not to choose this. I'm trying really hard.

Sunday was lost in sleep. Today was uneventful, in as much as any monday can be. Lunch with Jay and Steve; more rude comments traded with coworkers. I wonder how it would be if I just stopped. Just stopped being the jester.

the 17th is coming, and steven's been on my mind. There was an email from him today - not too personal, just something about his playing live in a band, and he's almost a year clean. He's now been gone twice as long as we'd been together. Once I told him I'd want to marry him after a year being clean.

I miss him so much, that I haven't painted in the year that he's been gone.

more

It's early morning and I find myself awake again.

Some Random Thoughts:

How is it that I don't feel as if something's missing but I keep looking?
My girls are getting older and I can see the age in their eyes. What am I going to do when they pass?
I've been single 11 months today and at my job a year. I miss steven
I think I'm in love with Randy
Scott frustrates me so much, I wish I made enough money to live alone.
My roof is leaking, my garbage disposal quit and my gutter fell. I'm falling apart too.
This bitch at work keeps undermining me and I wish she would die.
Seems like all I want to do is sleep anymore.
Cedric and I never seem to talk anymore, when we do...it feels strange.
I like pancakes.
I haven't seen the X in almost two weeks.
I'm growing a beard, maybe it's to hide myself.
I've been in pain for nearly a week now because of my back.
I wish I had someone to call my own.

I wish there was more.

fireworks everyday

I lay still, face turned toward the steady breeze as it blows over me. Tiny hairs dance in it's currents; astrid bursts of light explode in the sky, I think of this night, and nights past...

...Stiffled away in the upstairs room, I lay with my head at the window and watched the fireworks. Incense burned near me and I dreamt of love to come. I was alone and longed to escape...I climbed out onto the roof, longing for a release.

...We sat on the hanging swing of raymond's parent's front porch. They were somewhere in colorado at that point, and the three of us (michael, kevin and I) watched lustfully as straight boys meandered throughout the house. We giggled and then ran when raymond through fireworks over the roof at us.

...Chris's basement smelled dank, but was cool and secluded. We talked and teased, but never touched. As I lay sleepily, I heard the distant booms of the explosions downtown, smelled the ever present lingering of clove cigarettes and felt alive.

...our new house. John and I had just moved in that weekend, and we lay together in our new room. Sweet, conditioned air blew over us and we snuggled under a blanket while watching the televison. Our new house....our new hope.

...I knew there was problems. Adam just wasn't happy. We drove in silence to my grandmother's, spent an eternity in her back yard and wiped sweat from our brows. We walked down the alley and the physical distance matched the emotional. I would never see him in eleven more days.

...Steven had tried to keep it from me that he was leaving. We stood in the front yard; the breeze blowing through the leaves. Cicadas sang their lament and I knew the end was coming. I both longed for and dreaded the release. How like fireworks is love.

...We'd spent the day at randy's house and now set at the gas station while the kids were inside shopping. I'd always envy'd randy's family and those little moments I'd never had. Kaijah and Chandler bounded out of the store, sprinting for our car. All the while dancing and smiling in the rain. It was the end to a perfect day....and I realized. I was finally having that moment.

Some people wait for that one time a year to see fireworks. Some of us, lucky ones I think, see fireworks everyday.