still linger

There's only need
I love your need
So much I'm losing me
I cannot see the reason for the Pain
With hungry joy
I'll be your toy
Just hoping you will play
Without hope my body starts to fail

Memories fade but the scars still linger
Goodbye my friend
Will I ever love again
Memories fade but the scars still linger

I cannot grow
I cannot move
I cannot fell my age
The vice like grip of tension holds me fast
Engulfed by you
What can I do
When History's my cage
Look foward to a future in the past

The more I talk
The more I say
The less you seem to hear
I'm speechless in a most peculiar way
Your mind is weak
Your need is great
And nothing is too dear
For you to use to take the Pain away
Memories Fade
No don't pretend you can justify the end
Memories fade but the scars still linger

recoiling

saying it can make it true
feeling it is proof

recoiling

defiled caresses,
pale sentiment,
yet another performance to keep me docile

and so it is

Old cycles return, habits formed long ago resurface. I found myself sitting stealthfully in the muted light of his computer. Trying not to press the keys too heavily, I search through his files for any indication of worries manifest.

There it was; several emails to local guys and even one to a guy named Jim asking if he had yahoo messenger beccause Steven was horny.

That sinking feeling, surprising yet oh so familiar started spreading like some demonic weed, taking root in my very soul and devouring all my rationality and desire to believe in him.

I went into the bedroom and began the question game. Unlike the others, he admitted it but stated it was just flirting and nothing further happened from it. Then he said he thought it was time he moved.

I stopped to see how I would feel. I didn't feel much.

so...

he said he wouldn't do it again, and I the same.

I didn't want to repeat this. ...but I think I am.

both frightening and comforting

I lay next to him in the bed, acutely aware of his not touching me. The muted light casting intangible shadows us upon the wall reinforced how insubstantial this all can be.

This dark little feeling inside me feels very familiar. I know I can't expect constant attention, but ever since that friday, the magic seems to have gone. There doesn't seem to be a spark from him, like a dying fire, sputtering as the logs crumble and cave in.

There's a darkness about him that's both frightening and comforting....familiar. And I think, maybe it's me. Am I lost, am I removing myself emotionally?

I just know it aches sometimes. I crave his arms around me.

in fear of ghosts

It's happening all over again. Something just doesn't feel right. I ask when might I be able to trust again, and I begin to think that I am...until those little things start to happen.

Things like email flirtations, walking away with my cell phone for private phone conversations and other little mysteries that pop up. I'm getting nervous and frustrated at how things are going. I feel like I can't express my worries to him. I feel silly sometimes when I try to talk to him; as if all my doubts are unfounded and I'm this big, insecure mess.

This feeling just won't go away that everything isn't as it seems. I'm experienced enough to know that if you look hard enough, you'll find it. This all just reeks of john all over again.

Steven said he loved me last night. I'm not sure how I took it.

it's like that cure song....

"the further I get from the things I care about, the less I care about how much further away I get"

I just want to be near him.

And I wish I could feel it

...And I wish there was something
Please tell me there's something better
And I wish there was something,
more than this
Saturated loneliness

And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
Abduct it
Corrupt it
...but I never can
It's just saturated loneliness...