Confused

I'm so confused. How can I still want him? ...Any of them?

It happened. Adam now knows what I went through last year as his boyfriend just ended their relationship. I thought I would feel happy but I can't really feel anything except pain that he's hurting. I wish I could just hold him and let him know it'll be okay, but he wants that from another. Funny that I have to say that to myself, still.

I found myself looking at Randy last Thursday. Oh there was a time when I was falling in love with him. There was also a time when I considered ending the friendship out of jealousy and pride. I'm glad I didn't. There'll always be a special place in my heart for him. I realize that, but when I have dreams about him...it just wrecks my entire day.

I'm feeling really old lately. It feels like it's going by so quickly and I can't stop it. I miss being so enthusiastic about everything; how it was all so new to me. I miss Adam most of all.

I have to face that I'm still in love with him and I'm so confused. He needs a friend right now, and that I can be....but am I strong enough to not get hurt? Right now would be the absolute worse time as he's still in love with Scott. He'll probably always be in love with him, or at least the idea of him. I wonder why it is no one has ever loved me that way.

Eukas and Shadow are getting so old. I watch them and can't help thinking of what's going to come. Oh god I love them so much. Eukas is shaking now and it's difficult for her to move sometimes, especially in the morning. They are my most precious things in this world and it's killing me that I'm losing them.

It seems like I'm destined to lose everyone. So many friends have just left, most of them without my even knowing why. It's like this heavy pressure comes over me, like being too far underwater. I can't breathe and the sadness just washes over me. Then a flood of hot tears stream down my face.

I'm so tired of being alone, especially when there are other people around me.