Wednesday, June 29, 2005

my sweet prince

Never thought you'd make me perspire.
Never thought I'd do you the same.
Never thought I'd fill with desire.
Never thought I'd feel so ashamed.

Me and the dragon can chase all the pain away.
So before I end my day, remember..
My sweet prince, you are the one
My sweet prince
You are the one

Never thought I'd have to retire
Never thought I'd have to abstain
Never thought all this could back fire
Close up the hole in my vein

Me and my valuable friend
Can fix all the pain away
So before I end my day

My sweet prince
You are the one

Never thought I'd get any higher
Never thought you'd fuck with my brain
Never thought all this could expire
Never thought you'd go break the chain

Me and you baby,
Still flush all the pain away
So before I end my day
My sweet prince
You are the one

My sweet prince

Sunday, June 26, 2005


We sat in his parents house on the floor. Both of us laying against the soft carpet looking through D&D books. I, having just played the night before for the first time, was fascinated by the game. I was asking questions about the spells and how they worked. Whispering Wind didn't make sense to me, so I asked him how it would be used.

Raymond goes, "Say Raphael wanted to send you a message but you were far away. He'd just cast the spell and you'd hear it by your ear" The message - 'Rob, you're a fat ass.' We laughed.

I wish I could send a message to Raymond now. Oh how much I miss him. I'm feeling lost in my life without having him to turn to. I can't call him at work and gossip about my friends. I can't get advice on how to handle boyfriends. I can't ever hear his laugh again cause he's dead.

It's nearly been a year since his death and I still haven't accepted it. This was one of my two best friends since I was 16. All these memories, all these things unsaid, all these things I have to do alone. It hurts.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


What is trust, and how exactly is it earned? Is it that someone proves themselves over a set amount of time to be one way or another? What exactly is this 'set' time and does it change on the circumstances involved?

It's so difficult trusting Adam; it's not because of anything he's done, it's just me. I promised myself that I would never allow myself to be vulnerable again, but promises made during a bad breakup aren't realistic. By not allowing myself to be vulnerable, I'll never truly love again. Knowing that, why can't I let go of my mistrust?

We've decided, more like I've decided to go the open relationship route. I sometimes wonder at my reasoning behind it. Could it be that I assume that he's going to cheat anyway and this just brings it out in the open. Could it be that I feel if I let him sleep with anyone he wants, he'll not feel inclined to leave me? Or could it be by allowing him this freedom, I'm using it to keep that distance between us so that I won't care for him as much as I could?


I've always hated finding some trait within myself that's disgusting. Basically I'm afraid. I'm afraid because he's everything I've ever wished for in a partner.

He's honest, sexy, funny, intelligent, silly, serious, hardworking, compassionate, goofy, witty, stubborn, insightful, clean, sarcastic, and just so right. Even his imperfections are right for me.

There are some minor issues like our age difference - 11 years and that he's a total gay newbie. To most that would enhance it, but to's a recipe for disaster. Why am I doing it then?

Because to love is to dance.....which is to be free

Monday, June 13, 2005


We had our gay pride fest this weekend. Somehow I'm not feeling it. Adam says I've been seeming depressed lately, and maybe I have. It's a struggle sometimes to even pretend I care about most things. He's been creating little tasks for me to get me motivated somehow. How do I tell him I just wanna crawl up and die?

I put the masque on again and hosted a party for the local chub and chaser group. Finally got to meet John's boyfriend Kerry, and Kerry's other boyfriend Chad. -Long sordid story. Things were going really ... well, until Adam started letting it be known that he was attracted to this guy named Pat. I gave him permission to play.

It still feels weird when he does it - not back exactly, a potential bad not unlike speaking publicly. Deep down, I think half the reason I've decided to keep this an open relationship is that I'm afraid of losing him if I don't, and these little "pains" will keep me distant from him so that when he does leave, I'll never have to go through what I did with John.

There's no way to describe what John took from me. How does one explain the entire dream, the entire concept of love being stolen? Seems like each person I've really cared about has taken something from me.

Like my friend Andy; I really thought he was a better person than most. He's just as insecure and messed up as the rest of us. He can just lie to himself more readily.

It's dark in my house, everyone is asleep and here I am...typing once more. I both want this life to end and am afraid it will.